Oh no, not another idea that makes this athletic department's "anti-student" campaign more and more evident.

Nope, not the athletic department's Rush Limbaugh-stic idea of letting Dick Tomey go a few years ago and then replacing him with his heir apparent, John Mackovic.

Good guess, but it isn't the idea of replacing basketball ticket sales with the money-grubbing Zona Zoo, a scam that most students would agree is more painful on their wallets than a trampling at 5 a.m.

Shane Bacon Staff Writer

Uh huh, that's it. Take a deep hard look at the recent expulsion of Midnight Madness, one of the few events left that UA attendees can enjoy for free with many of their classmates ÷ students who wouldn't otherwise have a chance to see the team.

Why would they keep it, anyway?

You'd hate for the players to be "sluggish" for one practice out of the entire year because they had to stay up until 3 a.m. on a Friday night (or any weekend of the year, like most college kids do).

I'm sure that would keep them from a national championship.

You'd hate for the basketball team to actually put a show on for the students that would give up their good Keystone hand for a chance to watch the team go out and just have good ol' fashioned fun.

You think that the basketball players would rather have a normal scrimmage on a Saturday afternoon than perform at an event that was covered last year by Fox Sports Net's "Best Damn Sports Show Period" and is home to almost every drunken personality on campus?

Yeah, right ÷ you'd have a better time convincing me that Louie's in the student union is where you'd go for a good steak.

Midnight Madness is almost a must for this basketball town. It is a chance to bring a big crowd (11,000 last year) that includes almost all students to McKale to see a slam-dunk competition and 3-point shootout and to watch the players expose their true personalities.

We don't get the funny skits they pull at midnight halfway through the second period at Stanford.

"If it were up to the players, they like Midnight Madness," assistant coach Josh Pastner said. "(But) they also understand that our goal is not Midnight Madness, but to win the Pac-10 and a national championship."

Pretty good point if you were arguing it to Ira Hayes as he raised the flag at Iwo Jima.

This event isn't life or death ÷ it's fun. This event isn't a goal ÷ it's a privilege.

You think they'd rather perform in front of the cast from "Grumpy Old Men" at a matinee on Saturday?

They shouldn't. They get that the entire basketball season.

The student body needs this.

After this football season's highlights that almost solely include a drunk student, a police officer and a tackle that would have made Lawrence Taylor stand up and applaud ÷ when the Wildcats took on Louisiana State ÷ the students need to see why they came to this campus, and the atmosphere is not going to be what it once was at 4:00 PM.

It is a tradition that was started in Maryland and caught on like snap bracelets across the country.

After I thought of this, I figured some more things the basketball team should do to make it less exciting for the typical die-hard Wildcat fan.

Here are five changes the basketball program should institute next year, so that no student will be so inclined to attend a basketball game:

5.) All home games are at 7 a.m. Eastern time. I want these babies so early, worms haven't even hit the snooze button yet.

4.) Instead of the typical behind-the-basket seats reserved for tuition-paying students, give us all front-row tickets · in Harvill 150.

3.) Replace the cheerleaders with Petey Likins lookalikes, but still sporting the skin-tight leotard.

2.) Wilbur is out, Sammy the Sun Devil is in.

1.) Fire Lute Olson, hire Satan.

Thanks athletic department, and remember: coal in our stockings, not presents.