Illustration by Arnie Bermudez

Brace yourselves, loyal readers, for we are about to take a trip. We are going to delve into the minds and thought processes of the ultraconservative to try and make sense of them.

That's right, we're going to try to understand those strange people who walk among us with their Bush-Cheney stickers neatly affixed to the precise center of their notebooks. We will try to see the world from their point of view so that we may better understand where they are coming from whenever our next political argument may arise, whether it be in a class, in an office or at an Ann Coulter book signing.

So, let's see if we can't better comprehend their rationale, shall we? Here we go:

First and foremost, we must recognize what it is that truly gets the ultraconservative up in the morning: Money. When all other reasoning fails to explain their actions and decisions, simply follow the money trail. The ultraconservative always looks directly to the bottom line. How much money will he be making? Profit is the foundation of their being.

Brett Berry Columnist

Of course, fiscal responsibility is a great thing, and that is one reason why it is good to have a few conservatives in public service; they will help keep the budget balanced (at least that's what the intelligent conservatives do).

This leads to another belief of the ultraconservative. They lean towards the libertarian notion that any amount of taxes is too much. Paying taxes is equivalent to stealing their hard-earned money out their pockets and wasting it by building something they think they'll never use. It's one step above flushing their money down the toilet, especially if the taxes are spent by some idiot liberal Democrat, which leads to my next point.

We must understand that when a liberal complains, he is just being a whiny, ignorant, little punk. When a conservative complains about an issue or policy, then he is being compassionate and intuitive; he is being a leader.

When discussing poverty and poor people in America, you must understand that the ultraconservative views the poor as being destitute for a reason: Laziness. It is incomprehensible for them to understand that some people actually do have bad breaks and need a little help. Being poor is, in their opinion, caused by laziness.

To the ultraconservative, freedom of speech is a terrible annoyance in the hands of crazy liberals, like Michael Moore and those crazy Dixie Chicks. They would like nothing more than to stick a muzzle on the outspoken liberals of the world, but that would reflect poorly on themselves (after all, conservatives have a monopoly on morals, right?). Instead, they do their best to label these people as unpatriotic traitors; if they're against wars, then they must be in league with terrorists and dictators.

Because that freedom of speech thing can swing the other way, the conservatives of the world can launch their own counterattacks upon these individuals, whether it be through verbal assaults from the talking heads of Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity or through juvenile and brash name-calling from Ann Coulter.

The conservatives of the world can unite in their hatred of the outspoken liberals behind these people, all the while claiming their own freedom of speech.

And of course, always remember, whenever you disagree with a conservative president or another political leader, always assume they will label you as unpatriotic. So long as someone they support is in office, then you cannot disagree with them.

Also, be aware that the ultraconservative has no grasp of art or its importance. Art, especially public art, is just one big waste of money that could be better spent on widening roads or on building a new gate for their neighborhood.

Now, I know there is some Young Republican business major who is reading this right now, thinking to him or herself, "Hey, I'm going to write a letter to the Wildcat to get back at this crazy liberal columnist."

He'll share his idea with his conservative friends and laughingly say, "Ha, I'll call it 'A journey into the mind of a crackpot liberal,'" and smugly say to himself, "That'll show him!"

To this unnamed conservative out there, I beg of you, if you are going to try and respond to this column, then please come up with something original. Of course, why should I expect something unique and novel from those who have no concept of creativity or imagination?

Brett Berry does not consider himself a liberal, nor a conservative. For those who do not understand the concept of satire, please send him hate mail at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.