Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures Nicholas Cage stars in director Gore Verbinski’s new film, ‘The Weather Man.’ Our prediction: This film will get a chilly response from its audiences, with no chance for redemption.

“The Weather Man” can be whittled down to two simple (and ironic) words: shit storm. And as the tagline warns, if you see this movie, perhaps you should “… bring an umbrella.”

What is one to expect after this movie has had a postponed release for more than a year? Traditionally, if a production company as huge as Paramount can’t find a time to release a film, it can be assumed that the film is just no good. This assumption turns out to be right on the nose.

There is no coherent storyline, which leaves the film dependent on director Gore Verbinski’s style. His style consists of a lot of melancholy lighting with overemphasized gloomy greens and grays and long stationary shots. Think of the style from Verbinski’s other film, “The Ring.” This style is supposed to convey to the audience what the performances lack. But the style hardly makes up for anything.

Nicholas Cage brings yet another flat-lined performance as sad bastard weather man David Spritz. His performance should not be interpreted as apathy or nuance because it simply falls flat and sterile.

Spritz is supposedly going through some sort of life crisis that is never really explained. We are to just assume that he is going to go through a personal transformation in the course of the film, but he never does. So as the audience is waiting for Spritz to seize the day or have a life-changing experience, the movie goes on and takes rather strange turns, but never becomes compelling. Cage is probably the one to blame for that.

Just to name a few of the random and incoherent subplots to the story, Spritz starts shooting a bow and arrow for no reason, there is erratic and over-the-top product placement for fast food companies, his daughter of 12 is a smoker, his son is molested and Michael Caine explains — in detail — what camel toe is, which is followed by a montage of camel toes. All of these subplots last for about 15 minutes and are completely disconnected from the main story.

It also appears that the writer, Steve Conrad, has no conception of story arc. None of the characters change in any way, even though they are all going through major upheavals in their lives. It is frustrating to watch potentially phenomenal material fall on its ass.

The lighting and coloring of the film never changes, so it is also assumed that the fact that the characters never change is intentional.

If there is no other point to a film than to show someone’s personal transformation, the person should actually transform.

Otherwise, what’s left is incoherent meaninglessness, which “The Weather Man” turns out to be.