Illustration by Arnie Bermudez

So there's a hottie in your dorm who you want to take out to see the romantic comedy "Napoleon Dynamite?" Slap yourself, and step away from that idea. Intra-dorm dating is the worst thing to happen since I was allowed to write a weekly column.

Sure, intra-dorm dating might seem like a great idea, but let us delve into this topic matter a little more closely and net out all the hidden evils.

Say you live on the third floor and your spicy Cheeto lives down on the first floor. One might think, "Hey, I can be lazy. I only have to go down a couple flights of stairs instead of dragging my butt across the street or city to see my lovely jelly belly!"

Moe Naqvi Columnist

Yeah, it is time to trash that mentality out of your undeveloped minds and listen to me. We all want to be lazy, but remember, there are always consequences for being indolent. If your sugar baby lives in your dorm, that means you are going to be seeing him/her all the cotton-picking time. Even if one isn't trying to find their sunny Sunkist, Mr. Math has taught me that the probabilities of bumping into them are still very high.

Coming back from buying personal items at the U-Mart?

Running out to play some ultimate Frisbee in embarrassing fluorescent pink and faded forest green clothing?

Leaving for class without taking a shower?

There's always that chance your heart's desire might be lurking around the corner ready to pounce on you at your most awkward of moments.

Seeing one's honeybunch too many times in a day can throw out the desire and passion in a relationship. That is the major reason why 50 percent of marriages don't work out.

Also, if two love lions know that there is chance they might run into each other, they are going to try to look their finest at all times, which can definitely raise the stress factor for some individuals.

The next problem with intra-dorm dating is the gossip factor. There is no way that an individual can talk smack about their loved one if their royal dearest lives in the same vicinity. Sometimes, people have urges to complain about their darling, but word gets around quickly; especially in a residence hall.

So when your sexy muffin laughs that irritating laugh or tells that lame joke, you're going to have to stuff your mouth and refrain from telling your dorm-mates because once they know, it's only a matter of days before your beautiful bomb finds out.

Once your Kit Kat hears about the bad-mouthing, then the awkward part comes. He/she will eventually end up telling everyone about your annoying and ludicrous habits or they will just make up something horrible, such as that you have a third nipple and an extra toe.

Not only is this going to lead to both individuals hating each other, but the hate will circulate between the couple for the whole year in the residence hall. Tensions will always be categorized as "Red," and a lot of money will be spent on removing blood from carpets.

To all my University of Arizona colleagues, as well as to all college students who reside in dorms, take the time to find a hottie tottie with a naughty body somewhere besides your place of residence.

Unless an individual has the audacity and energy to switch residence halls after breaking up, then my advice is to stay away from dating one's neighbor. No matter how beautiful, how smart or how awesome that neighbor might be, just walk away and find a stuffed animal to keep you company. If you don't heed to my advice, then prepare to go through hell. I know I am right now. Hint, hint Meghan Harper.

Moe Naqvi is a physiological sciences freshman. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.