Tensions should be resolved by pieing

Apparently, my last letter to the editor of this newspaper ("Applause for Al Pieda") regarding our new national heroes Phillip Edgar Smith and Zachary Wolfe has exasperated professor Marc Berg ("Coulter pie assault was not a significant event") enough to make him question my integrity. In his aforementioned diatribe, he states, "I was hoping to discover the satire in his letter, but sadly it was missing."

Satire? I don't even know the meaning of the word "satire." While I thought that a man of Mr. Berg's caliber and pedigree would understand my reasoning, I must not have made my last letter clear enough. I apologize for this. So then, to make things transparent, here is my totally non-satirical five-point plan for the betterment of society through the use of pies:

1. Prominent public figures take themselves far too seriously. The solution to this: you guessed it, pies. It's a clinically proven fact that it's impossible for someone to be taken seriously while wiping whipped cream off of his or her cranium. What better way to bring an egomaniacal celebrity, professor or politician back down to earth than a swift slice of humble pie straight to the face?

2. The position of Town Pie Thrower must be established. The duties of the Town Pie Thrower are, as one would assume, to pie. He or she will be in the background during every academic lecture, awards show acceptance speech, post-game interview, political rally, congressional hearing, etc.

3. The local community will choose who will be the Town Pie Thrower in a non-partisan election. The purpose of the Pier is not to advance anyone's ideology or help some political group gain power. The purpose is to take people down a notch -Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, whatever- and give the power back to the people instead of some bloated windbag.

4. This Pieocracy that I have proposed is not, I repeat NOT, in support of censorship. Should you have the extreme misfortune of getting pied, there will be no rule stating that you must stop your blabbering. Feel free to continue pontificating on through the pie that is dripping off your face.

5. Finally, only whipped cream and/or lemon meringue pies can be used for pie throwing. This would rule out any kind of fruit pies such as apple, blueberry, peach or boysenberry. There are two reasons for this rule: First, a fruit pie to the face could cause physical damage to the person getting pied. Clearly, a pie throwing is a symbolic act meant to cause pain to a person's over-inflated ego, not their body. Second, fruit pies, especially apple pies, are delicious and should not be wasted under any circumstance.

David Schultz
political science and philosophy junior

Democratic Party a 'cesspool of hatred'

I'm curious - why is it that the Democratic Party has become a literal cesspool of hatred and rage? Now, really, don't you find it amazing that a group of adults can act so childish? They've been pouting for four years that Gore didn't win the election. Last time I checked, in a democracy, winning the Electoral College, and finally, having the Supreme Court declare you the winner all adds up to that person being declared the winner. But some Democrats didn't get their way. Oh phooey. Stupid democracy. Let's go advocate socialism.

Say! Speaking of socialism, I recently attended the "Defeat the Bush Agenda" meeting in the Kiva Auditorium (at which the Young Democrats had several representatives), and nobody was there to talk or think positive. When somebody spoke up about some of the positive things Kerry was going to do if he were elected, conversation stopped and everybody stared. It was like he had stood up and declared "Jesus is the way." The Young Democrats representative stated somewhat sheepishly - and I quote, "Well, I don t want this to turn into a Kerry lovefest ..." Whatever happened to actually supporting the person for whom you're casting your vote? Or maybe it was the fact that everybody there thought Kerry was simply a lesser evil than Bush. Oh, way to stand up for what you believe in, Tiger. Democrats have nothing positive to say, and as the old saying goes, they'd do us all a favor if they didn't say anything at all.

Charles Reid
chemical engineering junior

Reintegration of veterans can create societal problems

The recent exchange of letters to the editor regarding Flores and the College of Nursing murders is missing one essential element: the reintegration of veterans into civilian society.

What do Timothy McVeigh, the D.C. sniper and Flores all have in common? The answer is they are all Gulf War I veterans. While many vets blend into civilian life without troubles, and we can be certain the VA staff does all they can with their particular resources, generally the U.S. government treats its returning soldiers as somewhat "disposable." Witness the way that the federal government has taken 13 years to even partially acknowledge that Gulf War Syndrome exists and is linked to the blowing up of chemical munitions dumps in Gulf War I. And witness the "stop loss" orders that require overstretched troops to stay deployed even after they have fulfilled many, many hazardous tours that take a psychological toll extending deep into their civilian life.

While not every returning vet from U.S. adventures in the Middle East is even close to as troubled as Flores was, more care needs to be in place to help these people get back into the civilian world smoothly. Dana Eyde
computer assisted real-time reporter, Disability Resource Center

Understanding murder doesn't mean condoning it

Seeing such hate and anger directed toward a dead man (Mr. Flores) in Thursday's Mailbag was disheartening, but I can understand. What I can't quite understand is how Ms. Angela Roberts could attack Ms. Johns as "heartless" and "callous" for merely showing some understanding of Mr. Flores' motives. Ms. Johns never condoned his actions - just that she could understand why he did it.

The easiest thing in the world is to call a murderer like Mr. Flores "inhuman" or "monster" and letting the hate take over. What's difficult is to try and put yourself in his shoes: to open up your heart, look past that hate and anger to see that yes, Mr. Flores was only human, and to open up your head to understand what caused him to snap and do such deplorable things. That understanding should not be confused with justification or validation.

Ms. Johns' quote, "I just understand how Robert Flores may have gotten the urge to shoot up some nursing professors," shows much more heart than those who cling so tightly to their hate. I can only hope that some day they too will show some compassion and a measure of forgiveness, difficult as that may be.

I'm not criticizing people for having a strong hatred of Mr. Flores - that's only natural considering what he did. I'm criticizing those who direct that hate toward others who don't share it.

Kevin Fisher
electrical and computer engineering graduate student

Democrats try to suppress freedom of opinion

The pie-throwing boys (they can hardly be characterized as "men" when their behavior is so juvenile) tried to assault Ms. Coulter. That is a felony. It is being reported that they were paid $1,000 to do it.

Payment for political behavior and crack cocaine for votes - this is what George Soros' Democrats are doing to "win" the election. I hope students everywhere reject them.

It is deeply troubling that the Democrats try to suppress freedom of speech and diversity of opinions. They seem to be saying: "all 'right-thinking' people agree on everything, and we will tell you what that is." Talk about George Orwell's "1984!" He was 20 years off in his prediction. Kerry, our Big Brother!

Kate Halcrow
UA alumna

Duke's ticket system would be bad news for the UA

This is in response to Dan Parmelee's letter in the Oct. 21 Wildcat advocating the idea of mirroring Duke University's basketball ticket distribution system: Dan, since you're a sophomore, we'll let this slide. You weren't here at the UA my freshman year when we had to wait in line for our basketball tickets. Me and a bunch of my friends camped out at 11 p.m. the night before tickets went on sale.

It was all good until about 5 a.m. (tickets went on sale at 7, I think) when everyone rushed the ticket counters. It was the scariest experience ever, and the worst day I've been through here at the university.

Girls were getting hurt, people were getting trampled and people were getting pissed off at each other. Police forces had to come with tear gas to break up the riot.

Making hardcore UA basketball fans wait in a line just doesn't work. People may not like the lottery system here, but it's better than getting your face stepped on repeatedly.

Our system is based on the luck of the draw, and I'm sure if you were one of the lucky few, you wouldn't be complaining about it.

Ash Nagaoka
communications junior

Republicans are protesters; liberals are hecklers

Although our education here at the UA should be "fair and balanced," the liberal views on campus made their bias quite clear when the majority of the publications in response to Michael Moore's visit referred to the College Republicans as "hecklers." Why hecklers? Why not "protesters," or even "opponents of Moore?" What makes them any different?

By definition, "heckler" means someone who tries to embarrass you with gibes and questions and objections, but "protester" means someone who participates in a public display of group feeling.

In that respect the two guys charged with the embarrassing pie-throwing attempt would be better defined as the hecklers.

If my memory serves me right, the College Republicans had enough respect for Moore's freedom of speech to leave their baked goods at home.

Ann Coulter's visit Thursday night was like a breath of fresh air. I found it much more enlightening to listen to a speaker that has more sophisticated credentials than knowing how to work a video camera. She may offend those on the bleeding heart liberal bandwagon but she is my new hero!

Tricia Daly
interdisciplinary studies senior