Illustration by Holly Randall
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Arizona Daily Wildcat
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
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The online auction company, eBay, has been in the news for some rather bizarre items. Images of the Virgin Mary on a 10-year old cheese sandwich and someone's father's ghost have been put on the auction block. Though these are all interesting items, we ask: What would you like to see for bid on eBay?
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Susan Bonicillo
Opinions editor
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A superstar's original nose
I'll admit it. I'm not above seeing the occasional celebrity exposé on the E! channel or some other drivel-ridden entertainment program
To clarify my fascination with celebrities, I have to say it's not because of their political views. Despite the likes of Mr. P. Diddy in trying to politicize today's youth, I'm not too interested. Nor am I desperate for information on which celebrities are boinking whom.
Rather, the stars have my attention for one extremely superficial reason: They are ridiculously, ridiculously good-looking.
However, not all of them are gorgeous naturally. Surgeries, injections, lasers and creams have all made them become veritable gods and goddesses.
For that reason, I wouldn't mind seeing the stars as God made them.
One of the worst offenders for personal modification is actress and singer Cher.
If only she could turn back time, but she can't, which is why all her body parts celebrate different birthdays. I feel in love with her in the movie "Moonstruck" and have been enamored like many other gay men before me.
Which is why I wouldn't mind seeing her original nose put on the auction block, just a little something to take home and marvel at because it sure beats seeing that hung over your mantelpiece than a dogs playing poker painting any day of the week.
Susan Bonicillo is a junior majoring in English. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
One man's treasure ...
With the popularity that eBay has seen, we can see how one man's trash is another man's treasure. We have seen everything from chewed bubble gum to the back of someone's head to now someone's ghost.
None of the odd things I have seen on eBay has in the least bit interested me. I mean, what could I really do with someone's virginity or ghost?
No, what I would really like to see on eBay would be my organic synthesis lab report or, for that matter, any of my lab reports that still need to be finished. Even better would be my physics professor auctioning off an "A". I don't have much money, but I would do almost anything to raise what looks to be a "C" to an "A".
But for some reason, I doubt that will happen. But a girl can always hope, right?
While there are a few things I would love to see on eBay, there is much more that would be downright disturbing. If people think the Britney-chewed gum auction was bad, what would happen if someone started auctioning used Q-tips or anything else associated with body fluids and functions?
Can we all say yuck?
As I said, one man's treasure is another man's trash. Let's just hope what's really trash stays where it belongs-in the trashcan.
Laura Keslar is a pre-pharmacy junior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Show me the organs!
The online marketplace eBay has become as much part of our lives as the O.C. or American Idol, but as many of us have recently seen, the items on eBay are sometimes plain ridiculous. Why in the world would I need to buy someone's ghost or a Jesus-looking fish stick? I wouldn't and the people who put those ridiculous items for sale deserve the death penalty or to be forced to watch an episode of Crossing Jordan.
Among the many items posted on eBay there are very few that you or I would actually make a bid on. However, if eBay were to cross the line and start selling human organs, everyone would start bidding like crazy. People need organs to live and there's a long list of people out there clinging to life. Santa doesn't bring organs. The Tooth Fairy doesn't bring organs. Let's get eBay to start bringing organs to you! People don't want 10-year old Virgin Mary look-alike sandwiches or the marble that was stuck in David Hasselhoff's chest hair for a whole month. People want organs!
Autotrader.com is a Web site that sells cars, and with each car profile is attached a Carfax report that outlines all the important details of the vehicle. And eBay can have an Organfax report that lists the age of the organ, blood type and all the other important elements that come along with getting an organ. Organs and eBay are a perfect match.
I'm tired of the useless junk being auctioned off on eBay; it's time to move on to selling hearts, kidneys, livers and lungs.
Moe Naqvi is a physiological sciences freshman. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Sell focused excellence
A piece of toast with Jesus on it. Someone's father's ghost. These days, it seems there's a lot of stuff for sale on eBay that doesn't really exist.
So why not put Focused Excellence on the list as well?
Ever since President Likins started referring to this voodoo plan in 2002, we've been waiting. But results are definitely not here.
Nor are they on the horizon. We were supposed to cut programs in order to end budget cuts. Merging programs doesn't count. And the budget cuts certainly haven't stopped.
Instead, we keep hearing that it's coming. That the UA is going to be stronger but in fewer areas. But professors are still leaving. Classes are still limited.
Many of us are beginning to feel like it's just a way to distract us from something bigger. Then again, others are still believers. The Jesus toast culled $25,000 from some poor confused soul that thought it would bring him to the Promised Land.
How much longer will we wait to see if this distraction will actually make the UA better off? Maybe we should sell it and find real answers.
Ryan Johnson is an economics and international studies junior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
I'd sell my soul for a spot on eBay...
Sadly, the last few weeks haven't been very good to my most recent business endeavor. Ever since the Virgin Mary sandwich, my collection of edible religious relics has not garnered any worthwhile offers. I guess I just mistimed the market.
Today, it seems that the trend of goods being sold on eBay has shifted into the intangible object market, with a woman auctioning off her father's ghost. Being as such, I think I will retool my business to fit this changing marketplace.
In order to make a big splash as I arrive on the intangible object market, I plan to put an incredible commodity up for auction: my soul.
That's right; place your bids now to become the sole possessor of a young man's soul. This is one good that is sure to go fast! It's only available because an earlier deal to sell it to an anonymous bidder with an email address of Lucifer@666.com fell through. He refused full payment so I told him to "go to hell." Too bad for him; lucky for you!
The person who places the winning bid will receive a notarized document reading, "One soul," so that there is legal proof that the transaction was made. The soul will be shipped to you overnight so you can enjoy your new purchase.
Just imagine, next time you're talking to your eBay friends about your recent auction purchases, you can tell them, "I bought a man's soul! What'd you guys buy? Another lamp? Suckers!"
Brett Berry is a regional development junior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
eBay sellers would make a fortune off old tests
How has eBay not monopolized the cheating market yet? You can find dirty diapers on eBay or that spoon your grandmother owned in 1876, but not old tests. I've learned over the last two years from all my friends majoring in some area of science that passing the required courses is all about using old tests.
I distinctly remember telling my friends last year as they were frantically analyzing an old test like a pack of hyenas from someone who probably had to sell their soul for it, that they were all cheating. Each of them went off on this rant about how you can't pass the classes without the tests because everyone does it.
In these huge biology and chemistry lectures, mass amounts of tests are kept every year. Of course, professors are too lazy each year to make new ones, so if you're a smart freshman you'll start buttering up the sophomores and juniors now.
I wouldn't be surprised if Suzy Q's packet of an entire semester worth of "A" chemistry tests sold for hundreds on eBay.
Maybe, just maybe, enough people would catch on causing some sort of national phenomenon and the UA professors would realize what a scandal the whole system is.
A close friend of mine relayed to me a story of a certain science class that was notorious for keeping the same test for all the sections. Naturally, students used answers from previous tests and bypassed the whole learning part of studying. On the next exam though, the professor decided to change the test. You can only guess how much the class average dropped.
For the sanctity of our educations, I hope someone knocks some sense into these professors and eBay mass appeal could be the catalyst for this realization.
Lauren Peckler is a sophomore majoring in English and sociology. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
