Illustration by Mike Padilla

The college dating scene is something akin to survival of the fittest, meant less for the weak of heart than for the rare man who is able to give women what they want (which seems to be, well, everything).

As such, what women interpret to be piggish male behavior is often nothing more than a man's desperate attempt to play the Darwinian game. Strangely enough, most male attempts to brave the storms that are college relationships follow a set pattern. The following is an illustration of the pratfalls that we commonly confront:

Step 1: The chance encounter - You are dancing at a party. Fueled by alcohol, and unaware that you look like a thrashing platypus, you spill your beer on a pretty girl. Apologizing profusely, you come to realize that she was in your general education astronomy class. She denies this with a vehemence that would be troubling if you were more sober, but she finally agrees to swap phone numbers. You may now advance to...

Damion LeeNatali Columnist

Step 2: The first phone call - You correctly decide to wait the mandatory two days before calling her (see "The Man's Guide to Making Chicks Think You're Only Semi-Interested"). A painfully awkward conversation ensues, in which you cover the obligatory topics of mutual friends and drinking habits. After several awkward silences, you fabricate an excuse to hang up. You concede that it did not go well (she asked if you were "special" seven times), but you hope for a comeback with...

Step 3: Ready, AIM, fire - After again waiting the mandatory two days, you instant message her. You note that you are smoother and more flirtatious as long as you are typing the words instead of speaking them, but you strain to interpret the meaning of the coy IM smiley faces that she uses to respond to your advances (see "So You Wanna Be an 'AIM Playa'"). You conclude by asking her on a date, after which you go forward to...

Step 4: Four's a crowd - Convinced that you are incapable of interesting dinner conversation, you make it a double date by inviting your roommate. Unfortunately, your date seems unimpressed with his dead baby jokes, and you and your roommate are puzzled when both girls simultaneously excuse themselves to go to the restroom (see "Full Retreat: Women, Dating and the 'Bathroom Buddy' System"). Nonetheless, you are offered a chance to redeem yourself when you walk her to her door. Using a time-tested line that has worked on all of your other girlfriends, you are invited in and you move ahead to...

Step 5: The long haul - Over your mild protestations, you have now entered the realm of official coupledom. You note with some resentment that you are now required to attend biweekly shopping excursions and to avoid appearing intimidated by her father, who has apparently brought his sniper rifle all the way to Family Weekend to give you a personal gun show. (Much to his satisfaction, you do not miss the meaning of this gesture). You bury your resentment for another day and go on to...

Step 6: The opening salvo - In a clear violation of dating rules, you accidentally reply honestly when she asks you if she's gained weight. While you desperately attempt to backtrack, she slaps you with the "Well I'm glad to know how you really feel" line and locks herself in the bathroom for what will most likely be a three-hour ordeal. In yet another show of bad judgment, you decide to leave after two and a half hours, a fact that enrages her even further. She writes you a succession of angry text messages from within her bathroom stronghold and both of you come to...

Step 7: An exercise in futility - You both meet to discuss the future of your relationship, despite the fact that neither of you desire a future for your relationship. You begin by accusing her of overanalyzing everything you say, while she counters by calling you insensitive and distant. Neither of you really mean these things, but both of you feel obligated to say what people normally say in these kinds of situations. You both smile as you realize this, and you agree to keep in touch.

Most guys would tell you that all of this has some ring of reality to it. So, ladies, as Valentine's Day approaches, recognize that while your partner may not be perfect, he's most likely trying as hard as he can to hold on for dear life.

And he's doing it for you.

Damion LeeNatali is a political science and history sophomore hanging on for dear life. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.