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'I'm not a freak, really'

By David J. Cieslak
Arizona Daily Wildcat
April 23, 1999
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Arizona Daily Wildcat

David J. Cieslak

For about three weeks, the "Corruption Test" has been circulating through the Arizona Daily Wildcat newsroom.

The exam deals with very personal subjects - being groped, sleeping with relatives - topics that are close to my heart.

It's a scored test. Each time you answer "yes" to a question, you score a certain amount of points.

For example, if you've contracted an STD, you're the lucky recipient of an automatic 12 notches. Got it from a member of the same sex during oral intercourse? You just earned 28.

Some legendary people have scored nearly 200 points, including sports reporter Seth Doria, who's had enough one-night-stands and smoked enough crack to raise his score to 180.

There's also the low end of the totem pole. Wildcat reporter Erin Mahoney - who hasn't even seen herself naked, much less participated in a "69" - scored a six.

I only received a 92 on the "Corruption Test." Kinda sad, I know.

On the sexual experience side of the test, I didn't rack up too much. Because I spend a lot of time in the newsroom, I spend no time receiving "carpet burns in relation to a sexual act." (4 points)

I also have yet to lick an eyeball (1 point) or have sex with a relative (5 points).

But I'm slightly hesitant to confess that my score would have been a mere 72 without a 20-point boost from one question: "Does necrophelia, pedophilia or bestiality turn you on?"

Ladies and gentlemen, I have enjoyed watching a horse have sex with a woman on the Internet.

I'm not a freak. Really.

I haven't violated my dog and will never harm any innocent chickens.

But, for mere seconds, I was turned on by a horse and a woman, together as one. It's not really that bad, but Corruption Test officials decided I should be branded with a 20-point addition.

The test also includes questions about alcohol and drugs. While I've done no hard drugs, I am proud of my raging alcoholism and gladly garnered four points for the question: "Ever drink enough to throw up?"

I have been drunk for 48 hours (8 points) and I most definitely drink three or more times a week (3 points).

Why am I not ashamed to share my score with 40,000 readers? Because I'm proud to be a drunk, sexless idiot.

It's really not all that embarrassing. In fact, I scored higher than many of my colleagues, thanks to a strong lust for Jack Daniels and Bud Light.

I'm the perfect test subject for UA Student Health's surveys. Yes, I drink to get drunk and I like it. I go to parties and wake up with my own vomit dribbling down my chin and my hand down my pants.

In retrospect, I could probably get some points for everything in that last sentence. I would invite you to try the test. It's actually kind of fun, as long as you're alone so that your friends don't find out you've made someone sleep in the wet spot (6 points).

In fact, if you read this column at, you can try all 50 questions.

And hey, if anyone out there has a bad case of gonorrhea, come down to the newsroom. Don't bring protection...I could use the 12 points.

David J. Cieslak is a journalism sophomore. He can be reached at


  1. Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune? 1 point
  2. Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person? 2 points
  3. Ever tried alcohol? 1 point
  4. Ever been drunk? 2 points
  5. Ever play drinking games? 2 points
  6. Ever fall down because you drank too much? 3 points
  7. Ever drink enogh to throw up? 4 points
    bonus: throwing up on yourself or another person 1 point
  8. Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? 5 points
  9. Ever been forceably removed from a bar? 8 points
  10. Ever participated in/finishd a pub crawl? 5 points
  11. Do you drink regularly, at least 3 times a week? 3 points
    bonus: 1 point for each additional day (max 7 points) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
  12. Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar?
    4 points
  13. Ever try pot, hash, magic mushrooms? 4 points for each one tried
  14. Do you do drugs regularly? 4 points
    bonus: at least 4 times a week 4 points
  15. Ever bought soft drugs? 4 points
  16. Ever sell drugs? 8 points
  17. Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? 12 points
  18. Ever used barbituates? 8 points
  19. Ever used hallucinogens? 8 points
  20. Ever used nacotics? 10 points
  21. Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours? 8 points
  22. Ever been on a date? 2 points
  23. Ever been felt up, groped? 2 points
    bonus: to orgasm 2 points
  24. Ever had sexual intercourse? 6 points
  25. Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex? 5 points
  26. Ever paid for sex? 8 points
  27. Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? 4 points
  28. Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and succeed? 8 points
  29. Ever engage in oral sex? 4 points
    bonus: to orgasm 2 points
  30. Ever engage in anal sex? 6 points
    bonus: to orgasm 2 points
  31. Ever engage in the 69 position? 4 points
  32. Ever contract an STD? 12 points
  33. Ever had sex without a contraceptive? 4 points
  34. Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? 12 points
  35. Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week? 4 points
  36. Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? 9 points
  37. Ever had sex in a public place? 6 points
  38. Ever had carpet burns in relation to a sexual act? 4 points
  39. Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? 10 points
  40. Ever practiced bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual gratification? 8 points
  41. Ever used sex toys? 6 points
  42. Ever pass out during sex? 5 points
  43. Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity? 4 points
  44. Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? 3 points
  45. Ever bought something in a sex shop? 3 points
  46. Ever licked or have someone lick:
    an eyeball-1 point
    toes---2 points
    ears---1 point
  47. Ever have sex with a relative? 5 points
  48. Ever make someone sleep in the wet spot? 6 points
  49. Does necrophelia, pedophilia, or beastiality turn you on? 20 points
  50. Ever been arrested? 8 points
    bonus: If convicted 7 points