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Why I love the Y2K bug

Everyone's talking about the Y2K bug, the year 2000 glitch that will blow up every computer it comes across, cause banks to run out of money and make blow dryers stop working properly.

The Y2K bug exists because computer programmers in ancient history - the 1980s - did something... very bad.

To be honest with you, I'm not even sure what those programmers did, because whenever the Y2K newspaper articles I read get to boring parts about computer science, I stop reading while my mind drifts off to thinking about something else.

That phenomenon probably also explains why I failed that computer science class I took my freshman year. But that's off the subject. The important thing here is the Y2K bug and why I love it.

I realize that this needs some explanation.

First, computers are my enemy. I don't even usually dignify them by calling them "computers." I named them "computrons," which I formulated to more accurately identify their mysterious technotronic nature. I also made up the word "technotronic."

Computrons cause all sorts of problems: they erase my term papers, break down when I'm writing important e-mails, and they don't, um, download stuff for me quick enough.

So anything that hurts computrons is my ally. If I could, I would slap the Y2K bug a five and buy it a drink at Dirtbag's. But I wouldn't buy it two drinks, because I don't want it to get drunk. The Y2K bug, after all, has a job to do - destroy my enemy.

Any negative about the Y2K bug can be turned into a positive. Anything a Y2K expert could say to make me scared would probably make me happy in some way.

Y2K Expert: The Y2K bug will erase your bank account.

Me: Like most college students, my bank account consists of $3.05.

Fine, Y2K bug, if giving all of my money to Wells Fargo makes you happy, go right ahead - let them have a McDonald's Extra Value Meal No. 1 on me - just hope they don't want to supersize.

Y2K Expert: The Y2K bug will cause massive power outages.

Me: My roommate works in a Duracell outlet store. And he steals. But more importantly, I steal from him.

Y2K Expert: The Y2K bug could cause breaches in business security systems, which in turn could cause massive riots and looting.

Me: The only riot I've ever been in was in my freshman year, after Arizona won the national championship in basketball. And if that's any indication of how riots are, bring on more riots! And as for the looting, I could use a new TV and VCR.

Y2K Expert: The Y2K bug will shut down industries like pharmaceutical producers, electronics manufacturers, credit card companies...

Me: Wait, did you say credit card companies? I wouldn't be too down if my $2,000 debt to MBNA is erased after the Y2K bug tears the system down. To borrow from the Taco Bell Chihuahua, "Can I get a hallelujah!"

Y2K Expert: Screw off.