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Friday September 1, 2000

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Commentary - Are you there, God? It's me, Rosenbaum

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By Bryan Rosenbaum

God? Are you there? It's me, Rosenbaum.

God (from above): Hey, Rosenbaum, how's life in Tucson?

What up, G-dawg?! I can't wait for football season, can you?

Hell yeah, I'm excited. Not since the original Kickoff Classic in Bethlehem have I been so full of anticipation.

Aren't you leaving for South Bend to catch the Notre Dame game soon?

I'm not going - they suck. I can't stand them.

But God, aren't they supposed to be the Catholic powerhouse of college football?

Well, maybe back in the day of the Four Horseman they were, but not anymore. You remember those days, B?

Um.... no.

Oh that's right, I didn't make you yet. Tell me something, Rosenbaum - aren't you Jewish?

No, God, I'm Catholic, like you. This is my 500 words, so can you let me handle the questions, okay?

Sorry. It's just that with that last name....

Like I've never heard that one before, G. Anyway, does it bother you when NFL players, who play on Sunday, get caught up in the whole religion thing?

Oh, definitely. They're always saying, "Praise God!" and "I gotta thank God for this one." And I'm sitting up there in Heaven going, "That guy's a moron, because he really doesn't mean it." Especially that Deion Sanders character. Like I really buy into his whole "born-again" thing and that "Jesus" bandanna. Didn't he sing "Must Be the Money?"

So you don't have a say about what happens on the field?

Son, Notre Dame is terrible. You think that's by accident?

Good point.

Not only do I have a say about what goes on, I can see the future. Okay, Louie's Lower Level didn't actually consult me when they raised the price of the Chicken Patty Combo to $2.61.

All right, God, let's play some word association. Anna Kournikova.

Piece of ass.

The option. Good or bad?

Love it.

Favorite fight song.

Michigan's "The Victors."

Least favorite football team.


God, talk to me a little about Kurt Warner, your poster-child.

Well, he could use a shave, but all in all, he's a good guy. I told you I could see the future, right? Let me just say the Rams won't repeat this year.

All right God, lay it out - who's going to win it all?

The New Orleans Saints and Holy Cross. Just for you, B, I'm in the process of healing Michigan quarterback Drew Henson's foot, and I see roses in his future. But Holy Cross has been praying a lot lately, and Satan - I mean, Ditka- is finally out of New Orleans.

The preacher on the Mall told me if I drank beer, I'd rot in Hell. Is that true, God?

Don't you worry, Bryan, I have special plans for him.

If you have one thing to say to Arizona football fans, what would it be?

Your team isn't going to be as bad as you think. And I'm working on lowering the price of the patty combo.

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