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Curses! Scott Baio is back!

Photo Courtesy of DIMENSION FILMS
"Cursed" - Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg cower before the wrath of pissed-off film critics everywhere. Charles is most definitely not in charge...
By Celeste Meiffren
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, March 3, 2005
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Cursed: 1/10

Every year there is a movie that produces a projectile vomit-like top 10 rant about the deterioration of American cinema and the wretched blows to the beautiful art form that we are forced to endure by some ridiculous movie that blows so hard and intense that wads of spit-up blood wind up on the proverbial concrete. The bruises are still tender even days after watching. The taste of blood lingers on the tongue. This year this movie is "Cursed"- like a silver bullet.

So, following are the top 10 reasons why no one should ever see "Cursed." In no particular order, except from least important to most important:

"Cursed" is directed by Wesley Earl Craven. Okay, Craven gets two props and three kicks to the groin. Prop #1: The first "Nightmare on Elm Street." Prop #2: "The People Under the Stairs." Kick #1: "Scream 2." Kick #2: "Scream 3." Kick #3: "Music of the Heart." Point made.

It felt like an "Arrested Development" reunion, only without people who are funny on their own. Portia de Rossi plays a psychic, Judy Greer plays a bitchy flake, and the kid who plays Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg) looks like George Michael. The character, not the singer/songwriter. Disappointment created by the lack of funny.

This is a teen movie. There are high school scenes and teenage awkwardness. Who wants to relive that? Plus, it's such an old hat having a nerdy guy (George Michael) woo the pretty girl. Bland. Boring. Blah.

Christina Ricci's character, Ellie, works at "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." Newsflash: "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn" no longer exists. Get with the times!

Speaking of getting with the times, Scott Baio is in "Cursed." Chachi/ Charles in Charge/ star of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" plays Scott Baio in this movie. Does anyone else see how problematic this is? Who gave the green light on this piece of shit idea? Scott Baio from this moment forward is not allowed to be in movies, television or radio programs. Maybe ham radio, because I don't know what that is exactly.

The cameos are numerous and spirit crushing: Mya, Shannon Elizabeth, Lance Bass, Craig Kilborn, Brian Boone and Shashawnee Hall. I don't know the last two, but the cameos were not as numerous as I remembered, so I picked out random cast members. Though, let's all agree that Lance Bass is bad enough for twenty D-grade actors - or "musicians."

Rumor has it that they shot this film three times because the first two times the plot didn't fit together.

Christina Ricci used to be cool. What happened? She used to be nonchalant about her appearance and starred in cool movies. And now she's all waif-like and playing stupid parts in stupid movies. It hurts.

They should have shot it four times. There are still plot holes.

OK. This is the big one. The most important reason not to see this movie, ready? It's a werewolf movie. Not cool werewolf like the beginning of the "Thriller" music video, not campy cool werewolf like "Teen Wolf" and "Teen Wolf Too" and not scary werewolf like "Wolf" or "American Werewolf in Paris." It's just stupid werewolf. Stupid, stupid, stupid werewolf. Don't see it. Just don't. Seriously.

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