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Wednesday March 7, 2001

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Pterodactyls on University?

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By Cory Spiller

I am the son of a birder, the son of a man who can identify an elusive warbler by the slightest shade of yellow on the tips of its wings. My father could identify any native bird if he were blind, based solely on its call. So naturally, I grew up a virtuoso birder. I was the Mozart of the birding community. I knew their Latin names, the migration patterns of geese and ducks, and I unknowingly inherited a birder's eyes and ears.

You can't imagine my amazement when I heard the screeches of dozens of birds of prey atop the buildings on East University Boulevard. I was certain there was a nest above the Landmark clothing store and at least one more around the Marriott.

The screeching is intense. These terrible birds seem to scream at all hours of the day and night. Students are disturbed and confused while they study at coffee shops, small children spontaneously break into tears and I wander the street looking for the source.

Mysteriously, I could not spot any nests, soaring raptors or any bird for that matter. East University Boulevard seems to be completely void of all bird life.

When I realized there was no possible biological explanation for what I was hearing, my mind turned to darker and otherworldly explanations. Could this be a fledgling alien, a bloodthirsty monster, a genetically constructed pterodactyl? The possibilities are endless. The thought of an alien conspiracy harbored in the Marriott complex dominated my thoughts.

I had to know, so I called the Marriott and asked for their leader. After an awkward moment with an operator I was connected with an administrative assistant, but I wished we were talking in person. I had learned from the volumes of science-fiction novels that you can spot alien conspirators and Republicans from their insincere smiles and shifty eyes. However, she sounded normal and put my fears to rest.

The truth was revealed to me: The screeching sound on University is actually a recording amplified through high-powered speakers. They are supposed to scare pigeons away.

Landmark, Frog and Firkin, No Anchovies and the Marriott all have one, and together they combine to make a sound that would make Alfred Hitchcock proud.

I went down to Landmark to ask about the device. Apparently the pigeon problem on University Boulevard is so severe that the owner felt it was necessary to buy a machine that cost a couple hundred dollars to scare the pigeons away. The Marshall Foundation, which owns most of the street, found the device, and other businesses followed suit. The owner asked me if I had a problem with it, and I told him that I not only found it annoying and distracting, but rather terrifying.

I asked him to turn it off, and he declined. He would rather have the noise than the bird feces.

The pleasant manager of Frog and Firkin' told me their machine doesn't do the job. The pigeons, in a grand act of defiance, occasionally choose to sit right on top of it. She said she would be happy to turn it down.

But the problem is not going to go away, and as a citizen of this city I felt it was my obligation to take action.

So I called the city attorney's office and spoke with an attorney who told me that it's likely that this was a violation. The Tucson city ordinance prohibits commercial centers from producing sounds over 65 decibels between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. I have no idea how loud that it is, but it's got to be close.

I was told by the attorney to call 911 and report the matter. It has been reported, and I have asked these companies to shut their screeching machines off.

Until then I will not patronize these companies and I suggest you do the same. We should not be terrorized by birds, pterodactyls or little machines- pigeons feces or not.