By
Cory Spiller
Space.
You know, "the final frontier." Well, it's selling out. What was once a wonderfully serene vacuum, free of advertising, annoying tourists and oxygen, is quickly falling in line with the rest of the known universe and giving in to corporate pressure.
First, the Fiesta Bowl sold out to Tostitos. Then, they named our new ball park in Phoenix after a bank. And now space is selling out to millionaires and fast food chains.
This may seem unimportant to you. But you must look closer. These latest incidents could be detrimental to your life, our country and the entire galaxy.
The Cold War ended when the Berlin Wall fell, and since then America has enjoyed peace and partnership with Russia. For a decade we have forgotten about the possibilities of nuclear war, fallout shelters have become obsolete and our precious children no longer wake up in cold sweats from nightmares of H-bombs.
But that could all change. And who would be responsible? A California man named Dennis Tito.
He is not a spy, an evil scientist or a crazed pedagogue He is simply a millionaire investment fund manager who wants a ride on a rocket. Dennis Tito has promised to pay $20 million dollars to the Russian Aviation and Space Agency (Rosaviakosmos) to travel with the international space team on a Russian spacecraft to the space station Alpha.
Tito doesn't want room service, a king-size bed, or cable TV. He just wants to float around in space for a week or so.
This would be no problem, except the United States has to give the go-ahead - it's half our station too. NASA said no. NASA officials believe Tito would require constant supervision. He lacks emergency training, and he would be a hazardous burden to the already dangerous mission.
Unfortunately, two cosmonauts were not too happy about NASA's decision. They broke down and had a temper tantrum. Fingers were pointed, a few unintelligible phrases were screamed in Russian and they stormed out of the Houston facility.
Apparently the cut they were going to receive from Tito was enough to cry about. Things were going so well for America and Russia, and space just had to go and screw it all up.
But that's only half the story.
While tensions between Russia and America rise on space station Alpha, the Russian space station Mir is preparing for it's fiery death.
And what does this mean to you? Free tacos. No lie.
The Mir Space Station is currently being drawn closer and closer to earth. On Friday the Russian Aviation and Space Agency will attempt to crash land the space station somewhere in the South Pacific. That's if everything goes well. If something goes wrong there's a possibility that this burning ball of Russian metal could land anywhere.
The Russian government has estimated the probability that the space station will fly off course is roughly one in 2 billion. Nonetheless, the Russian government has taken out a $200 million insurance policy just in case the 40 tons of debris moving at 17,500 mph hits some peaceful fishing village in the Pacific.
In response, the governments of Japan and Fiji - two countries most at risk - have told their residents to stay indoors. They've also warned them against touching any "foreign objects." Personally I can't see how a thatched roof could stop a falling space station, and wouldn't people naturally know not to touch burning pieces of space debris? Maybe not.
I know, I know, you're still wondering how all this spells out free tacos.
Space has sold out to Taco Bell, that's how. On Friday, while most people are going on about their daily lives, TV crews, government scientists and Taco Bell executives will be sitting on boats hoping the Mir space station will crash into a 40-by-40 foot target placed in the South Pacific that reads "free taco here." And if it does, Taco Bell will give a free taco to everyone in America.
"Not a bad deal," you say. But what's next: neon Coca-Cola signs on the moon, Nike swoosh-shaped star clusters, a Disneyland on Mars?
There is no turning back. Space has sold out.
