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Wednesday May 1, 2001

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Life's rule book sold seperately

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By Lora J. Mackel

It's strange how time goes faster as you age. There were days in high school that felt like they would never end, but as I approach the last week of academics at the University of Arizona, time seems to be going at warp speed. This is probably because I have three papers to write by tomorrow, but part of me wonders if I am really dreading graduation. After working non-stop for four years, how could I possibly dread graduation? To you freshman and sophomores reading this through the crusty eyes of late-semester sleeplessness, the concept seems ridiculous. But trust me, you all have a good thing going. Writing papers and cramming for exams is cake compared to getting a "real" job and figuring out what the hell to do with yourself.

At the beginning of college, getting a degree in history seemed like the perfect thing to do. What I had not considered is what I could do with a degree in history. There is no National History Association draft for me to join, and the only thing to do in my field is teach. As much as I love learning about the nuances of history now, will I enjoy teaching the same things over and again to a room of high-schoolers who cannot wait for the bell to ring? Somehow, that lifestyle seems limiting.

Since I will be a bona fide graduate of our fine university, I am going to have one of those permanent records that adults talk about with doom in their voices. No matter where I go, or what I do, my four years of college is going to follow me around, defining who I am to employers. It's not as if I have anything to be ashamed of, either, it's just that now I will be neatly categorized. When you're young, you can be anything, but as you age, you become something. I do not know if I can deal with the weight of something-ness.

It is not that I am opposed to real jobs or even to working at all. It is just that I am - and I am not ashamed to admit it - afraid of living an ordinary life and doing ordinary things. I want, as does everyone, to lead a life that will be of importance and service to others. I want to do it my way, in my time frame.

From watching everyone else around me, I know the need to pay bills forces many people to give up their aspirations and settle for something less. All my nightmares lately have been of frighteningly colored cubicles that slowly start to close in on themselves.

Graduating from college implies that you know who you are and what you want out of your life. When I graduate from college, I can no longer say, " When I grow up, I want to be..." I am grown up, and I still do not know what I want to be.

Basically, what I realized is that college allows people to extend their childhood and put off responsibility. That is why it is wonderful and should be enjoyed to the fullest. Don't spend your last carefree years wishing you were anywhere else.

What I have realized is that no one is ever fully prepared to graduate. Nobody gets the rule book to life with their diploma. We are all basically in the same boat, trying to figure out where to go and who we are. It is only when we stop asking ourselves the hard questions that we resign ourselves to the ordinary. So as much as I am dreading graduation, I am also anticipating it with nervous enthusiasm.

Heck, if it does not work out, there is always grad school.