By
Shaun Clayton
Arizona Daily Wildcat
I have worked for the Wildcat, for, oh, a while now, and people on occasion have asked me "What ever happened to the Catalyst?"
For those who do not know, two years ago the arts section of the Wildcat used to be printed weekly, in a little colorful pullout section named the Catalyst. I have had to keep quiet about the real reason the Wildcat stopped printing the Catalyst, because it was considered a matter of school security.
But thanks to lobbying by various civil liberties organizations, I can now reveal the real reason the Catalyst ended its print run in spring of 1999.
Elves.
That's right. Elves. Vicious, pointy-eared little demons that like to wear jingly bells and funny felt hats. They had taken full control over the Catalyst and were on the verge of conquering the entire Wildcat.
Fortunately, Wildcat staff members caught on to the elves' devious plans and were able to stop them dead in their tracks - literally.
A full company of Marines mowed down the arts offices of the Wildcat with machine-gun fire that blew the place to pieces. Then, they set off a small atomic bomb in the Wildcat offices just to make sure that no particle of elf survived. An unfortunate side-effect was that the Student Union became dusted with radioactive particles and now must be destroyed as well.
It did not have to end that way, though. The infiltration of the elves had started as soon as the Catalyst was created and should have been plainly visible to anyone who looked closely.
For example, the Catalyst was made in a small tabloid format, difficult for humans to handle, but the perfect size for elfin hands. Further, if one examined the writing style of the Catalyst, one would find a gradual trend toward elf propaganda. Take for example, this excerpt from "Would You Like Fries With That?" written by Tony Carnevale, as it appeared in the Catalyst, Sept. 24, 1998:
Ah, fast food. Who among us has not slavered lustfully over a nine-piece box of Chicken McNuggets, not bothering to care that they contain neither chicken nor McNugget? There's something irresistibly attractive about a damp, warm, greasy burger cooked by an ex-con and wrapped in paper, and you know it. So don't deny yourself the finest of life's creature comforts - get thee to a McNunnery!
Now, compare this with a column called "Elves: A Path to Liberty," also written by Tony Carnevale, on Nov. 24, 1999:
Elves will crush the selfish desires of all wicked men on this earth. They will rush forward and topple the bourgeoisie Santa Claus and his oppression of the Elf proletariat with his endless working hours, his slave wages and his policy of removing all Moon Pies from snack machines! The Elf masses shall rise up, they will bond together as comrades, and together shall remove the crushing weight of Santa from Elven backs, allowing them to shout, "elf, elf, elf" with liberty!
Further indications as to the Catalyst's elf infiltration, the lowered desks in the arts office, the constant acquisition of jingle bells and the way the elves would prance about, went unnoticed. The elves' plan was finally uncovered on Dec. 8 when a Wildcat staff member (name withheld) from the sports desk accidentally walked into the arts offices and noticed that there were about 3,000 elves working there.
Immediately afterward, the elves' menace and their wicked Catalyst was put down for good. Let us hope that such evil shall rise again to threaten the good name of the Wildcat once more. Elves are your friends.
