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Commentary: Peace out, son

Dan Komyati
By Dan Komyati
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Wednesday May 1, 2002

Apparently, since that first farewell went so well yesterday (they decided they couldnāt really fire me, because this is the last issue), my editors and peers convinced me to write one last column. That makes like, what, three for my career? Iāve pretty much garnered UA celebrity status. And I appreciate all the e-mails supporting my popularity (cāmon, Mom, they know its you ÷ change your e-mail address).

Fortunately, all of us sports fans are blessed with plenty of outstanding athletic teams to get excited about at Arizona. In my four years here, there were national championships, several near misses (which we handled with extreme class) and some amazing crowds during some classic games. Yet, even though there is not much I will miss about UA sports, I guess there are still a few things Iāve noticed over the past few years that kinda make you wonder. And, if not, I guess I can just fill space by taking cheap shots at Tucson and the West Coast.

÷ How scary was the ćRed Zoneä cheering section beyond the south end zone in Arizona Stadium? Apparently about as intimidating as Gary Coleman, the security guard. This part of Coach Macās multi million-dollar football marketing campaign really shook up Washington State, Oregon and Stanford, who only combined to score 162 points on our field ÷ seriously. Hmm · maybe spikier hair on the frat guys in the ćzoneä next year and the opposition will mistake them for those Oakland Raiders ćkiller fanä spike outfits. And they tricked all those fans by saying theyād be featured on ESPNās documentary ćThe Season.ä Guess they must have cut out that scene in favor of Anthony Banksā poetry reading ÷ which was almost as funny as our teamās secondary in the Oregon game.

÷ OK, you knew this one was coming, and while Iāve always praised the bigger sports, it seems like their biggest flaws lie within the stands. Not like thereās anything wrong with 36 students actually able to attend each basketball game, because old people cheer loud, man. And that raffle thing worked out pretty good, no? It only resulted in little freshman nerds ÷ who somehow got their hands on like 11 sets of tickets ÷ trying to sell this senior sports writer seats in the upper level for $700. So this leaves me with two questions: Whatever happened to the Russian guy on the Sopranos, and will there ever be a student section actually on the sides of Lute and Bobbi Olson Court? If nothing can be worked out, and the alumni must retain their Nazi-grip on every courtside seat in McKale, can we at least find some leather straps for their chairs to ensure no one leaves the building until the five-white-guy walk-on lineup has logged some PT?

÷ Well, because I canāt help but pull for all of UAās athletic teams, I will definitely not miss the sorry sports franchises in this town. Well, I like the Sidewinders ÷ make that in Phoenix. I mean cāmon, man ÷ look at Arizonaās professional sports teams. Donāt let a single fluke championship (on a fluke single) disguise the obvious ÷ this stateās franchises are going nowhere fast:

Diamondbacks ÷ Now I know everyone is thinking that I am just a bitter Yankees fan, and how could I call the Diamondbacks ćsorry.ä I mean, everyone knows theyāre the World Champs and all, and Randy Johnson doesnāt even look like a rapist anymore with his new haircut. Fine, great season last year, but did anyone in Arizona know the Diamondbacks even had a team two months before the playoffs? More bandwagons than on the Oregon Trail. And B.O.B. is not a stadium; itās a freaking corporate amusement park, which is fitting because purple pinstripes should only be worn by clowns.

Coyotes ÷ The ćwhite outä looks pretty cool, even though the idea was stolen from a bunch of Canadians. However, the 10 consecutive first-round playoff series losses are not.

Suns ÷ OK, I actually like the Suns because they took the Nets cancer, Stephon Marbury, and replaced Jerseyās franchise with a new immune system in Jason Kidd. Says a lot for their upper management though, huh?

Cardinals ÷ Are they really building a new stadium for a team that has fewer fans at home games than teams that arenāt even playing? Look around at Sun Devil Stadium: The confused football fans that do show up usually sport about 74 different jerseys varying from NFL teams to Mexican Jai-Alai all-stars. Speaking of gambling, the over/under for the amount of Thomas Jones fumbles is nine. Thatās in week one.

÷ What can I say, itās been a lot of fun watching four years of Arizona sports. Yet, not all the West Coast trends ÷ sports related or not ÷ have stuck to me like white on walk-ons. There are some things I just wonāt ever get without letting go of that dirty Jersey mentality:

Not being on ćrealä time ÷ I mean the Yankees arenāt supposed to play at four oāclock; the whole rodeo as a religious holiday thing (wait, no school? Yee-ha!); words like ćhellaä and ćgnarley,ä and especially ćhella gnarleyä; the homeless guys on Fourth Avenue trying to sell me crack; the homeless guys at Circle K doing smack; floral-printed board shorts hanging over socks with sandals; and, of course, taking ćbeer bongsä ÷ theyāre funnels people, remember that next Saturday morning when taking them before (I mean AFTER) ÷ graduation. Iām out like a Leneah Manuma long ball ·

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