Abby Tankenoff

Animal Planet masturbation poses problems for friendly neighbors

Dear Abby,

So, I found out that my neighbor walked in on my roommate masturbating while watching Animal Planet. Yeah, surprising! Well this tension has been building up and has left me uneasy. The big problem is that he was doing it in a common area we share and now I'm uncomfortable laying anywhere in the room. What am I supposed to do? I know he'll deny it!

There is just something about orangutans that stimulate an erection. This is a sticky situation, and I emphasize sticky. It's important to look at both sides. Your roommate, we'll call him "Spanky," obviously sees the living room as a blank canvas in the art of masturbation. Perhaps because no one was home he spiced it up with a little animal kingdom; but let's give him a little credit and say that it was just a not-so-clever decoy in case anyone were to barge in. One thing is for sure, he has no regard for sexual sanitation, which can be more deadly than exposure to asbestos, to one's state of mind, at least. Your side is less complex, you don't want to sit on or be near another man's good time. Easy solution. Don't confront him, because unless he is Howard Stern he will most definitely deny it. Simply say something like, "Hey Spanky let's keep the common room a spice-free zone." This way there is minimal embarrassment, because let's not forget he was caught, tool in hand, by your neighbor. If being honest doesn't work, hang some pictures of his mother around the room, that should tame his libido.

The important thing is, you should be free to lay about without fear of foreign bodily substances. It is every person's right.