Illustration by Cody Angell

It's all really very simple when you think about it. Our beloved Arizona is in trouble and needs money. And so far, the only way that our state government has dealt with the problem is to cut university funding and talk about raising taxes on the already overburdened Arizona citizen. There's an obvious solution to this problem that is not getting any attention: genetically engineered child clones who smoke marijuana and provide the state with nearly free labor.

Now I know what you're thinking: This is the dumbest idea ever. But seriously, think about it. All we have to do is look to our two cool neighbors, Nevada and California, to see what we need to do.

Nevada currently has on the ballot a proposition to legalize marijuana and California is on the leading edge of stem cell/clone research. Put these two ideas together and what you get is a plan to save Arizona.

Here's what the plan would look like: Arizona would pass a clone authorization law that would attract private research corporations from around the world, since our state would be one of the only places in the world to allow cloning.

Within a few years, the clones would start coming by the thousands. Yes, my friends,

almost like a clone army, except they would mostly just farm. We would call the original clone "Ted," and successive clones would be called Ted No. 2, Ted No. 3 and so on. This would help alleviate that "human" feel that clones have that just gets in the way. All the clones would wear really ugly gray sweaters that would indicate their number.

Eventually, we would find that one "super" clone that kicks the ass of all the other clones. Let's say, for example, that Ted No. 1587 can perform manual labor like gangbusters. Then we could just clone this Ted and create a "super" clone army. Yeah, I can see it now. Just like the WPA of the old days, a clone army pouring useless concrete sidewalks and highways that go nowhere ÷ except that they wouldn't get paid as much. Think I-10 is backed up? Yeah, throw ten thousand clones on it and you'll have that bastard up to ten lanes each way before you know it, with one lane only for cars that are driving over one hundred miles per hour.

Now I know what you're thinking: Surely the clones will rise up one day and destroy us. After all, they will be providing the state with nearly free labor.

To combat this problem, I propose two solutions. First, the clones would be under the supervision of Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who would house them in tents and force them to wear pink underwear, removing all natural rebellious instincts.

Second, the clones would be genetically engineered in such a way as to be horribly addicted to marijuana ÷ which they would be growing. The state would own the fields and the pot, so the clones would have to pay the state huge amounts to legally obtain their pot (like all that they earn). They also wouldn't want to rebel against the state and do something crazy like burn the marijuana fields or stop working because they couldn't bear to see all that pot go to waste. Instead of plotting an uprising, they would mostly just sit on the front porch on their rockers saying, "Dude · no, dude · dude · listen to this, dude," until Sheriff Joe would come riding up on a horse yelling, "Ya'll get on back to work now, ya hear?"

Of course, those working in these jobs before the existence of the clones would be able to maintain jobs as clone supervisors. They would say things like, "What we have here is a failure to communicate," and wear all-white suits with white hats.

After a while, the crops would be so large that Arizona could generate extra revenue by selling excess marijuana to other states that legalize pot.

Eventually, there would be enough clones to put them on other projects like constructing a huge light rail system in Tucson that no one would use.

So the next time you hear someone talking crazy about raising taxes, you just tell them that clones are the answer.