Daniel Cucher

America is again under attack. Violent un-American forces have spent the last several days brewing in the Caribbean and are now poised to strike the southern coast of the United States. The offense comes with no demands, no manifesto and no motivation other than to utterly destroy.

Authorities say the attack strategy is three-fold. It aims to cripple us economically, devastate our infrastructure and injure our sense of national pride.

For some residents of Texas, the attack has already begun. Almost 330,000 people were told to evacuate their homes yesterday, and several businesses have been temporarily closed. Officials are so confident about the time and target of the attack, the people staying behind are almost certain to feel the full force of its impact.

Before migrating northwest across the Atlantic Ocean, the evil forces killed seven people in Jamaica and St. Vincent. In response to the approaching threat, tens of thousands of Cubans fled from their homes before the terrorizing forces changed course for America.

The attack has already begun to take an economic toll in the United States. Anticipating its destruction, the Louisiana Offshore Oil Port, which handles over 1 million barrels of oil a day, has been closed. The LOOP is the largest U.S. crude oil import terminal, and its closure accounts for a loss of 11 percent of all oil imports. Including this and other closings, the U.S. Minerals Management Service reports a total of 121 platforms and 42 rigs out of service.

As people rush to evacuate their homes and cities, officials in New Orleans worry about terrorist forces destroying key infrastructure, like Interstate 10, which is one of the main channels out of the city. An attack last week left the highway undrivable, thought not destroyed. Because the imminent attack is expected to be several orders of magnitude greater than the last week's attack, officials are exploring alternate evacuation routes.

This latest attack also threatens to devastate our way of life by striking at the heart of American culture: the Tabasco hot pepper sauce bottling plant on Avery Island. The plant has been boarded up as hot sauce officials prepare for a complete, albeit temporary, shut down.

As of yesterday afternoon, President Bush had not yet commented on the attack. And although most Americans are aware of the impending destruction, very few have called for efforts to curtail the forces before they hit. Perhaps the Bush administration and 250 million Americans think nothing can be done. Not so.

In the true American tradition, we should launch a preemptive attack utilizing the heaviest forces available. Possibly nukes. America cannot afford to sit back and watch as the evil forces of the universe wreak havoc on our national homeland. We make no exceptions for Al Qaeda or Iraq ÷ why should we be any less aggressive towards Hurricane Lili?

Unlike bin Laden and Saddam, Hurricane Lili can likely be taken out with a single blow if we strike early. One nuclear blast in the eye of the hurricane would generate a microclimate to dissipate the winds and lay to waste Lili's 140-mile per hour anti-American assault.

While most responsible nuclear experts shun the use of thermonuclear weaponry to control the weather, many others feel that the United States is long overdue in asserting its mastery over the forces of nature.

"We should nuke it, right quick," said an anonymous student. "If we let Lili have its way with us, it's only a matter of time before tornadoes and tidal waves are lining up to have their way with us." Many more Americans are eager to make an example of Hurricane Lili.

According to one expert, "If this is scientifically valid ÷ which it's not ÷ we should make it national policy to use nuclear, and possibly biological, weapons to control our climate and protect our national pride."

We don't have much time. By the time this column hits the streets, Hurricane Lili will already have touched down to begin her nature-sponsored terrorism. All we can do is hope that Bush has the forethought to hit Mother Earth before she hits us.

Hit her, and hit her hard.

We must protect our hot sauce at all costs.