Lindsay Utz

With the keyboards tapping, the florescent lights buzzing and the cool air flowing, the Information Commons certainly is a great place to escape the heat and get some work done. Swiveling chairs, flat screens, high-speed Internet and CD burners make the library one giant funhouse. The university has spent our money well in creating this truly spectacular basement, a real den where we can all kick off our shoes and smell each other's feet.

In the Information Commons, I am at peace. Life is okay after all.

And then your cell phone rings.

Suddenly, I forget what it is I am working on. I am gazing at you in disbelief and you don't even notice. There are many of us, gazing at you in silent accord. We fantasize about your undoing and conjure up ways in which we can trip you when you finally, thankfully, decide to get up and leave. Your cell phone is so cute and · pink. We fantasize about stuffing it down your throat.

After the verbal joy ride you've just had with your phone, I know what you did last weekend, when your next class is and how nervous you are about the big test you have tomorrow. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your mundane life with us. I hope you fail your test.

Cell phones in the library are inevitable. I understand this. But, the next time it rings, you should throw it against the wall so we can all watch it break into a thousand pieces. Then we will celebrate the death of your phone and congratulate you on the bold statement you just made against our crumbling society.

I do wish this would happen. Yet, I am realistic and know it won't. You will scream your nonsense into that cell phone tomorrow and the next day too.

So I turn to violence. I have tried asking you nicely, but being nice just doesn't work these days. Violence is the only answer.

A TASER gun shoots two electrodes, two darts of fury, that travel to a distance of 15-20 feet, shocking and temporarily paralyzing the target. You are the target.

Yes, that's right folks, get your guns at the door. The university will soon introduce the TASER Defense Against Bastards Program (TDABP). The program is aimed to greatly reduce the violation felt by those without cell phones. If they can be armed, why can't we?

Defense against cell phone users is not the only perk of this program. In fact, the TASERS can also be used in battles over computers. No longer will you have to look away in quiet rage from the bastard who just strolled in, talking on his cell phone, and took the computer you've been waiting 10 minutes for. Go out and get him.

The Information Commons under attack.

It is a curious thing to me that we, in our studious glory, can become so enraged at the ringing of your petite phone. How can something so small turn us sane inhabitants of the library so totally psychotic?

We lose all reason and most definitely all sympathy when you answer that tiny phone. Being a good human no longer matters. Only the meanest survive.