Mariam Durrani

Georgie's mental capacity not enough for telekinesis

Um·. No. Georgie has a tough enough time as it is constructing sensible sentences. I wouldn't want him to hurt himself.

The "strategery" behind bending a spoon is the idea of telekinesis. This is the act of concentrating on an object and using psychic powers to move it or change its physical structure. With the assumption of attempting this idea, it is implicit for someone to have the ability to concentrate his or her attention on a specific activity and I do not think our president has that innate adult capability to concentrate for longer than two minutes.

There he is. (Imagine, if you please.) He's sitting on Air Force One, all comfy with his favorite blankie, and he's got some time to spare. He sees a spoon on this tray. Mrs Bush has taken her eye off him just for second while she "checks" to see how Dick's doing.

Georgie starts to concentrate really hard on the spoon. There is a little crease in his brow that isn't usually there. The spoon isn't moving. "This spoon is so goddamn stubborn," Georgie thinks. "Congress didn't give me such a hard time when I wanted to start war."

So he thinks a little more. Then he remembers about the axis of evil and how he needs to attack North Korea while the Senate is still hot. "No Georgie. You have to concentrate," he tells himself.

He looks at the spoon a little harder. Then he thinks the Prime Minister of the 51st state, Ariel Sharon, was supposed to call him about what to do if he forgets what to do after using the toilet. Georgie smiles to himself because he learned that all by himself.

After about three minutes of this stressful activity, Georgie gets distracted by some clouds he sees in the window and leaves the spoon to stare at the pretty white puffs of delight.

In order for Georgie to bend a spoon, he would have to think, and I don't think he does very much of that, if any. Telling America that his dad used to be president and that makes him really cool worked to get into office, but the spoon just wouldn't care. Telekinesis involves being psychically aware and this means that one is also mentally all there. Well, need I say more?

Mariam Durrani is a systems engineering senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.

Daniel Cucher

Believe it or not, this Bush can do it ÷ and so can you

Yes. Only he doesn't know it yet. But one morning, while eating his Count Chocula and having the world report read to him, Bush will look down and notice his spoon gradually sinking into his cereal bowl. Alarmed, he will fling the spoon across the table and hit a White House aide in the eye. The aide will flinch, and Bush will respond, "Sorry about that. Flashback."

After consulting an expert on metaphysics and drinking a few cups of herbal tea, Bush will call a press conference and declare, "My fellow Americans, at nine-thirty this morning I blended into the energetic fabric of the universe, and became one with my spoon."

Then, he will take a spoon out of his shirt pocket and call upon a member of the press to inspect it. He will proceed to bend it into a figure eight simply by holding it between his thumb and index finger and staring at it with his typically confounded expression.

News will reach the most distant corners of the planet. From Washington to Ghana, people will run to test their own abilities thinking, "If Bush can do it, I can do it, too!"

And they will be right.

Anyone can mentally bend a spoon, according to this simple construction of the universe: People and spoons are made out of matter. Matter is made out of energy. People and spoons are made out of energy. And energy occupies all the space in between people and spoons, such that there is a continuous flow of it everywhere.

So if the universe is a big ocean of energy, that means people and spoons are really just densities of energy separated by less dense areas of energy. In other words, people and spoons are like little drops in a big pool of water. They are only separated by the illusion of empty space.

When Bush wiggles his toe, his will flows down his leg and causes movement (by way of his nervous and muscular system). But all he is really doing is initiating a wave of chemical and mechanical energy.

In order to bend a spoon, all Bush must do is will the spoon to bend and initiate an energetic path between his will and the spoon. When his mind wanders (during the morning report) it frees him of the shackles of so-called physical laws, and permits his subconscious to take over and tease him at breakfast.

Daniel Cucher is a creative writing senior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.