Shane Dale

I have a confession for all the war protesters out there: You guys inspire me. Your assertion that an absence of a military strike against Iraq would actually benefit the Iraqi people and lead to fewer innocent lives lost in the long run caught me off guard. And hey, a lot of people showed up on a Saturday morning to protest America, which tells me that UA's professors continue to do a marvelous job.

You've shown me that I seriously need to reconsider my capitalist, imperialist points of view. Maybe socialism really isn't that bad.

So I went the Jeff Foxworthy route and started thinking about some signs that I may be converting without even realizing it. Here are some that I came up with that you fellow capitalists out there should feel free to apply to your lives as well.

ö If you see a man walking down the street with a leg cast, and think to yourself, "That's not right. Everyone should have to wear a cast until that guy's leg heals · " you just might be a socialist.

ö If you scorn Ralph Nader for being a capitalist pig · well, I'm sorry to inform you that you could be a socialist.

ö If you think that, since unattractive people are constantly discriminated against in higher education, Affirmative Action should be extended to include an "ugliness" quotient · you may want to look into the possibility of being a socialist.

ö If you think the fastest person in a footrace should have to start 50 feet behind everyone else to make it fair · you might be a socialist.

ö If you think home field advantage should be flipped so as to grant it to the teams with the lesser record, because they obviously need the most help · there Îs an outside chance that you could be a socialist.

ö If you believe that every prisoner is being denied basic human rights until they have the right to extended basic cable · you might be a socialist.

ö If you think body-builders should be required to donate a portion of their muscle mass to skinnier people until everyone's able to adequately lift that 50-pound sack of dog food · I'd say there's a prospect of your being a socialist.

ö If you think the "corporate media" did a disservice to last month's IMF protests because they portrayed the protester's crank 911 calls in a "negative light" · you might be a socialist.

ö If you think Osama bin Laden would be lauded by the press if he were a clean-cut white man · you might be a socialist.

ö If you blame the extinction of the dinosaurs on fossil fuel emissions from SUVs · you might be a socialist.

ö If you think vaccinations were merely invented to keep the poor man from collecting welfare · you might be a socialist.

ö If you think the Utah Jazz were moved from New Orleans in an attempt by fascist, white Mormons to hijack the black man's music · you might be a socialist.

ö If you believe in reparations for blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Arabs, women, transsexuals, poor whites, fat people, anorexic people, people shorter than 5-foot-1, people taller than 5-foot-11, redheads, greyhounds, baseball players who couldn't make it past Double A, and football players who could only make it in the CFL · you absolutely, positively need to explore the possibility of being a socialist.

ö If you're too proud to work for a living but not too proud to panhandle at a community college · you just might be a socialist.

ö If you believe in a "redistribution of weather," in order to guarantee every world climate of temperatures no warmer than 80 degrees and no cooler than 65 degrees ÷ as well as an annual rainfall between 15 inches and 20 inches ÷ I'd say you may want to investigate the prospect of your being a socialist.

ö If you think there should have been a proposition in last week's Iraqi elections that would allow Saddam Hussein to use the bones of gassed Kurds to construct defense shelters for use against imperialist American military force · you might be a socialist.

ö If you believe every item up for bids on The Price is Right, from trailer to toaster, should have an actual retail price of $19.95 · you just might be a socialist.

ö And finally: If you agree with everything your political science professor says · there's a slight to moderately slight chance that you might be a socialist.

Consider yourself warned.