Shane Bacon Staff Writer

Last week, I realized that I was coming down with something, but urine samples and plasma wouldn't reveal the illness that had me bedridden.

I took some time off to evaluate my situation and came out with something that possibly attacks most men from Coronado to El Rio.

I have an extreme case of the ESPNs.

That is right ÷ I love that channel.

I have ripped all the buttons off my remote control except the 2 and the 4, and I'm not that upset about it.

My friends can't even hang around (the Hornnnnnnnn) with me anymore because they think I'm too sportsy.

Well, BOO-yeah I am.

My best girl friend said I have affected her life in a way nobody ever has ÷ she can now differentiate between a birdie, a 3-point play and pocket aces ÷ all because of my obsession with the best monopoly business in the world.

It isn't just the fact that I like sports in general; that has always been the case.

I'll tune into the "worldwide leader in sports" to watch just about anything from Duke-North Carolina to Olympic button-sewing, all before Digger Phelps explains the pretension behind Grandma Jacob's double-knit technique!

The disease isn't just centered on my television; it has thrust itself into other huge inanimate objects.

My computer has espn.com as its home page, equipped with the latest version of ESPN Motion, just in case I didn't catch everything during the first five "SportsCenter"s of the day.

My car?

My navy blue Bullet doesn't just have XM Radio; it is finally tuned so ESPN Radio and ESPNEWS are presets one, two, three, four and five.

The doctor said if I start burning CDs with highlights on them, he might have to get me checked in.

On a personal note, is it just me or is everyone starting to think that Linda Cohn is HOTTTT?

Thankfully, it isn't a terminal disease.

My ninth molar in the back left side of my mouth still cringes when I hear Dickie V's voice, and I believe Andy North would make a better hat rack than golf golf analyst.

But contrary to those two, Stuart Scott not only has an invitation to sleep on my couch whenever he wants, but I'd allow Chris Berman to grab a Reuben at Bison Witches with me and Scott Van Pelt to pick up the beers.

In a way, the SportsCenter anchors are everybody's friends.

The personalities are distinguished easily in their first four or five broadcasts, and from then on, they are your personal sports servants.

How does everyone know if Arizona basketball played well the night before?

Well, check the SportsCenter Top 10, where Iguodala or Adams is usually doing a circus dunk that would make Dominique Wilkins drop his salsa dip.

The channel is my home - my chi, if you will.

Woody Paige makes great points if they give him enough time to speak, Tony Kornheiser takes shots at anyone, and Dan Patrick always brings the finest meats and cheeses in all the land.

What is the best way to describe the ESPN craze that has taken over my life?

Well, it's as cool as the other side of the pillow.

Shane Bacon is a sophomore majoring in journalism. He can be reached at sports@wildcat.arizona.edu.