Photo courtesy of Touchstone Pictures Patrick Wilson, Billy Bob Thorton, and Jason Patric star in "The Alamo," a film about the Alamo that viewers will probably forget.

The Alamo bit. Only one person in the whole theater enjoyed the movie when I saw it, and he was sporting a "Don't Mess With Texas" shirt, an "I Love Dubya" hat and working on a Texas Instruments calculator for the better part of an hour. That last part's a lie. Apologies.

The beginning of the movie starts with the end, when all of the characters we will come to know are dead. I just don't understand why the filmmaker decided to give away the ending like that. That way, everyone in the theater knows exactly what's going to happen. It's a strange tactic to be sure.

The director, John Lee Hancock (a joke is here, but I can't find it), uses another strange tactic in this movie. He shows how unlikable and flawed all the characters are from the get-go. James Bowie, played by Jason Patric, has a drinking problem and tuberculosis. William Travis, played by Patrick Wilson, ran out on his wife and left his kid in a foster home. Davy Crockett, played by the very sexy Billy Bob Thorton, ate American Indians. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. What I'm saying is that if you don't really like the characters throughout the movie, what's the point?

So, this band of men defends the Alamo against Santa Anna (Emilio Echevarria) and his large army, Mexicano.

I guess the reason this movie blew so hard was because it was boring. There were 15-minute intervals with no action, no music and a small amount of trite dialogue. I felt like a child with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder must feel in history class in junior high. Or any child, for that matter.

There was one impressive scene in the whole movie, when it culminates in the final battle and everyone dies. The cinematography was impressive. I give props where props are due.

In order to entertain myself throughout the movie, I came up with little nicknames for all the random supporting characters. There is a man in the beginning with an absolutely enormous head, so I named him "pancake face." There was a Mexican

soldier who told a woman to shush as though he was trying to seduce her, and so I named him "creepy child molester." And finally, one of the main characters had such a strong Southern drawl that I named him Billy Bob - until I realized that it was his real name.

Overall, the movie made me feel tired about Hollywood, Texas and America. I respect the story, but I don't think this movie really did it justice. It definitely could have been better, but it would have had to try really hard to be worse.