Sabrina Noble Columnist

I'll be honest: For the most part, I either ignore or laugh at most of the feedback I get from my loyal readers. It's not because I don't want to improve myself; I do. I just don't think you understand my vision. I'm an artist over here.

And yet, some good questions have been raised this year, whether they've been sent to my personal e-mail account, yelled at me in the student union or across the UA Mall, or mailed as letters made up of magazine clippings. So I want to finally address some of these questions just to show you I genuinely do care.

Question one: Hey, your glasses are lame. I think you should lose them because your English-major-hippie-cool-faux-intelligent frames make you look pompous. I hate pompous people. Hate them!

Answer: Wow, you're totally right, dude. These DO make me look pretty smug. And I certainly wouldn't want that. The problem is, I've found that I need to wear these so that I can get away with saying made-up things without losing my credibility (and see). So it's a catch-22 of sorts. Maybe the tortoiseshell, then?

Question two: Speaking of credibility, I've noticed that sometimes you say things that aren't true, and I get all confused. And I could probably look stuff up in order to be better-informed, and I almost do, but then I feel tired and I complain instead. Is it sarcasm or something because I don't get it? You should be ashamed of yourself. So what's the deal?

Answer: I admit that I definitely contribute to these miscommunications, but really, it isn't all my fault. You see, some people made a BIG mistake and told me I was the humor columnist this semester. But I think I didn't really "get it" either because, somehow, I interpreted that to mean that I could sort of bend some rules and - oh, I don't know - kind of distort facts to serve my sarcastic purposes. For example, I know that mountain lions don't really talk to most hikers, and I remember learning once that not all sorority girls are stupid, but sometimes I get a little carried away. Other times I forget that neither eating disorders nor war is funny. And occasionally, I DO remember but then make fun of them anyway. And you're right; I should be ashamed of myself. I have no idea why I'm not, except to say that maybe I'm repressing my guilt and I'll feel really bad in a few years, long after it's possible to make amends or convincingly fake an apology.

So I want to finally address some of these questions just to show you I genuinely do care.

Question three: What up, girl? I was just wondering why you never respond to my e-mails. I'll treat you like a princess. I swear. Write back, please. Please.

Answer: Listen, I really thought about writing back. The thing is, I don't think I deserve you. Once you spent all that time looking up my address and personal e-mail account and birth date, I just felt really self- conscious. Trust me, I can never live up to what you've made me in all those conversations you make up and then write to me about. I know that, at this point - after all those e-mails I delete - I will only fall from the pedestal you've set me upon. And I just couldn't bear to see the pain and disappointment in your eyes.

Question four: Why can't you ever say anything nice about greek life?

Answer: This is an easy one. You see, greeks already feel so swell about themselves - and everyone else loves them so much for their fashion sense and everything they contribute to the greater good through community service and keeping local businesses afloat in a veritable sea of money and alcohol-smelling vomit - that I thought it would be interesting to present another side. You know, just to spice things up and give people something they weren't expecting. Also, I could not morally justify doing otherwise.

Questions five: Why can't you ever say anything nice about anything?

Answer: That's a great question and one I've had to do a great deal of soul-searching to answer. Then I realized that I have a severe allergy to shallow optimism. Seriously, I develop a rash similar to poison ivy. In some ways, this has been a blessing; it's much more challenging to slip in shots at J.P. Benedict than to write overtly about butterflies and puppies - not that those aren't equally worthwhile. And really, expanding my abilities is my foremost objective.

Well, that about covers it. Thanks to everyone for their honest input.

Sabrina Noble is a senior majoring in English and creative writing. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.