When I first read the upcoming movie screenings and saw "Under the Tuscan Sun," I misread the Tuscan for Tucson and got excited.

Tuscany and Tucson are quite different. Tuscany has gorgeous landscapes and foliage throughout the countryside. Tucson has ugly buildings and disturbing aromas.

"Under the Tuscan Sun" wasn't that great. Diane Lane ("Unfaithful") goes to Tuscany after her divorce and becomes an independent woman. The movie looks like it might end in a somewhat unconventional way, but everything turns around for the best in the last two minutes. Some people might like it. Most of those people will have vaginas.

Anyway, since it was easy to tell you about the movie, I'll spend the rest of the column telling you what the movie would have been like had it been called "Under the Tucson Sun."

They'd still cast Lane in the starring role. But she's not divorced from her husband, yet. John, the husband, moves the family to Tucson where he has found a job teaching at UA.

Upon entering Tucson, there is stunning cinematography of the I-10 and the many Los Betos restaurants.

As they travel east on Speedway to Park, they realize they must turn left at the light. Intense music plays and a slo-mo shot starts as suspense builds for their inevitable turn during yellow.

While it is tempting to kill them off here by a drunken teen and make this into a public service announcement, they narrowly escape a wreck · this time! "Don't drink and drive, kids!"

They get to their house and get settled in, starting their new life. While John goes to the university, Lane, a writer, must go out and find someone to remodel the house. Because that's woman work. She also has to paint her nails.

She goes outside to her car and quickly runs back inside.

"This Tucson sun is fuckin' hot. And what's with the smell out there?" she says.

Lane decides to just call a contractor and stay inside all day.

When John gets home from work, he tells his wife how little he's making at UA. Lane complains, but John tells her that he's only a young, promising professor who is working on a groundbreaking project that could win him a Nobel Prize. They don't take kindly to those types at UA.

Lane leaves her husband and moves to Tuscany, where she buys a villa and becomes an independent woman with the help of her friends, Thelma and Louise. Ten seconds later, she falls for a guy and turns back into a helpless, lovesick puppy ÷ this part's sort of like the original "Tuscan Sun."

Oh! And she visits a frat house before leaving Tucson, where she gets drunk and sleeps with Will Farrell.

Her husband is fired later in the week. Apparently, he wasn't focused on excellence.

Pretty good, eh? Perhaps when I misread "Tuscan" for "Tucson," I was having a dyslexic moment.

Or perhaps I was on to something.