Jessica Suarez

Last week, Roy Horn, of the famed Las Vegas duo Seigfreid and Roy, was attacked by one of his white tigers during a performance at the Mirage. I was saddened by this news, but I wasn't surprised. See, I'm going to let you in on a little secret of the animal kingdom: animals hate you.

But don't feel bad. Animals hate all humans. Why? Well, for one thing, we treat them like animals. We also ride them, milk them, experiment on them, make them do tricks, then arrest them and turn it into a TV show called "Animal Precinct." How embarrassing for them. Animals hate you for embarrassing them.

Your pets hate you. Cats I don't even have to explain. Just look at their hateful little eyes. You know your cat hates you.

I'm not trying to preach here or give you some animal rights lecture. Hell, even I enjoy a fine porcupine race or a thrilling turkey hunt as much as the next girl. So treat animals however you want. Just remember that they really hate you for it.

"But my pets love me," you must be saying. "I know they do."

No, they don't. Your pets hate you. Cats I don't even have to explain. Just look at their hateful little eyes you know your cat hates you. But your dog must love you, right? He's so happy to see you when you come home from school, and he nuzzles the palm of your hand with his little wet nose, begging you to pet him. Don't believe him for a second: your dog wants you dead. Think about it. He's not happy to see you. He's happy that he finally gets to expel the urine he's been holding since you left for chemistry class this morning. Otherwise he doesn't give a shit when you come home, or if you come home at all.

Hey, I hate you. But if you took me off the street, made me sleep on your floor, then made me hold my bladder until you let me out in the backyard for 15 minutes, I'd be happy to see you too. Your dog has no love for you. He has Stockholm syndrome. The morning you choke to death on an apple is going to be the morning your dog tastes human flesh. Trust me on this.

Zoo animals hate you. Read the newspaper. Not only do they always try to escape, but they always try to take a six-year-old down with them. Circus animals hate you too. People make them do tricks. Do you like to do tricks? Hell no. Neither does an elephant. What an elephant would like to do, though, is suck your brains out with his trunk.

Even as I type this, I have a 3-inch cut in my right hand. My cat gave it to me while I was trying to pet him. Why was I trying to pet him? Because I love him dearly. Why did he scratch me? Because he hates me even more. And he hates you too. He hates everybody. What can I say? He's an animal.

I tell you this only because I don't want you to be misguided. Me, I'm covered. I'm a vegetarian. So I've got this little deal worked out with the animal kingdom: I don't eat you, please don't try to eat me. So far, it's worked out nicely.

Now you know: all animals hate all people. So try to be nice to the animals around you. You never know if they're listening to you, or staring at your neck, wondering what's the best way to tear out your jugular vein. But, if you remember none of my warnings, please at least remember this: when your dog runs up to you when you get home at night, and he wags his tail so fast it makes his butt shake, he's not saying, "Good to see you." He's saying, "Good to see you, asshole. How 'bout letting me out?"