Christopher Wuensch

Listen up, freshmen. Since this summer, the higher ups have been telling you what the college experience has in store for you. They've been preaching the joys of the UA experience, no doubt telling you what clubs to join, how to do SABIO searches in the library, and how to add a dollar on your CatCard so you can print a 10-cent page or buy that soda if you ever need refreshing.

That may be all fine and dandy, but I have for you the real freshman checklist. Listen up, freshmen. Here is your next four years: The real UA experience checklist.

· Go to every single football game you can, despite the team's ineptitude. Go with your friends; tailgate somewhere beforehand ÷ even if you hate football.

· Remember, mouthing off to a senior automatically equals the worst wedgies of your life.

· Own a bike. Beach cruisers are in.

· See local bands. I highly recommend Craw Daddy-o, Sunday Afternoon and SKITN (at The Rock tonight, 10 p.m.)

· While living in the dorms, use the ole "knock and run" bucket filled with water propped against your buddy's door gag.

· Wait until your friends from back home are in town, and then get thrown out of Maloney's.

· Introduce yourself to weight room supervisor Earl in the Rec Center. You'll know who he is when you see him.

· Eat late at Betos every Saturday night.

· When at a UA baseball game, don't complain that the Wildcats scored 20 times and you didn't catch a single t-shirt from the girls who toss them into the stands after Arizona scores a run.

· Somehow get home from Nogie without remembering how.

· Spend a holiday at a roommates or friends house, i.e. Thanksgiving or Easter.

· Get a student job.

· Visit somewhere other than Cancun, Rocky Point, Daytona or any other meathea-infested beach for spring break. Try somewhere cold for a change. I recommend Breckenridge, Colorado.

· Get to at least one basketball game in your four ÷ or five ÷ years in Tucson, and please wear something red.

· Hang a friend's hat in the cactus garden where he can't reach it.

· Wake up in a strange place.

· Play Frisbee at midnight on the nice part of the mall.

· Write a response to the Wildcat expressing your favor or disdain for a writer's column. You can start with this one.

· Catch an eye-opener at the Buffet with the locals when they get off their night shift at 6 a.m.

· Go to both ÎFall' and ÎClub' Crawls, and don't just go into the same bars you go to on a regular basis, i.e. O'Malley's. Try something different.

· Never forget to call your mother every once in a while.

· Buy a tamale from the woman outside Bookman's.

· Speak on ÎSpeaker's Corner.'

· Your power÷hour must include a three wise men, cement mixer, tequila, prairie fire, and scorpion bowl.

· Never be that guy who pulls the fire alarm at 3 a.m. during midterms.

· Shout a profanity at an ASU student, team or professor.

· Never pee in the Rec Center pool!

· Take a Native Indian history and heritage course with Spintz Harrison. You won't regret it.

· Sit in with the best UA fans in Tucson, the TCC crazies, and root for the IceCats. Rhythmically scream with them "It's all your fault!" every time the opposing goalie gives up a goal.

· Spend a sunny afternoon lounging at Frog În' Firkin rather than sitting in Harvill through Mind, Matter and God.

· Play an intramural sport.

· If you're from Arizona, especially the Phoenix÷Tempe÷Scottsdale area, don't go home every weekend. This is college. You can't experience it from the comfort of your couch.

This is a four to five year plan, so don't go out and try to accomplish it all in one weekend. Remember: You're in college now, so act like it, be smart and drink responsibly. Oh, and Earl graduates in December, so time is running out.