Illustration by Arnie Bermudez

With Homecoming approaching, it's time to get into the spirit of things. One can always tell when this weekend is drawing near by the changes around campus. Construction is hidden beneath large sheets, flowers bloom where no one imagined they'd been planted and the groundskeepers begin trimming the grass, futilely sweeping the streets and mopping the walkways. We know the annual visits from public and generous alumni must be quickly approaching; the UA would never usher in this second Eden for its students.

Nevertheless, we should put happy smiles on our faces. This is the season to paint our faces with school colors, wear overpriced UA clothing and look forward to university-sanctioned drinking on the UA Mall. We get to demonstrate our pride while watching the colorful floats of many respectable organizations roll by. We get to celebrate all the great things about our school, like sports, culture, academics, greek life and red brick.

Yeah, Homecoming is pretty cool.

But it could be better. I have a dream, and it goes like this:

First, it's obvious that we can't celebrate Homecoming without looking ahead to basketball season. I don't know about you, but these days, when I think of UA basketball, I think of bagels and candy bars. Thus, I think that any student or parent wearing a "Free Isaiah" T-shirt should be given a bagel or Hershey's bar as a sort of a door prize. After all, everyone likes free stuff - especially the basketball team, which has been getting all sorts of free stuff (like educations) for years.

Speaking of sports, Homecoming would be greatly improved if we could win the football game against Washington. If we can't do that (and let's be honest, we probably won't), we could at least usher in a successful basketball season by sacrificing a quarterback to Nike, the goddess of victory - or maybe even to the lesser known shoe manufacturer in exchange for free cross-trainers.

Sabrina Noble Staff Writer

In case some of you administrative types are starting to get the impression that this weekend - what, with the human sacrifice and fires and all - would be a little rambunctious, let me assure you that it would be just the opposite. Even Arizona is part of America. There are democratic rules here. And, since this is a democracy, we should do away with the Homecoming monarchy and have a Homecoming president and vice president instead. Candidates would be nominated by the student body rather than by their own clubs.

Whoever wins these titles by popular vote would get to view President Peter Likins' secret grotto, known to commoners only as his office, but to his closest advisors as the Wildcat Cave. The lucky winners would be led in and out blindfolded and would sign waivers never to disclose what lies within, for security reasons.

And they'd get Likins' parking spot, too. And his car.

Meanwhile, on the Mall, games should be added that stress the value of our campus and its students, past and present. Ideas include, but are not limited to bungee jumping from the uppermost heights of the stadium, scaling the Koffler building and a tree-ring growing contest. More family-oriented games could include "Find One Single Goddamn Cloud" and "Guess the Age of the Alumnus." In addition to more customary prizes like stuffed animals, we could give out student basketball tickets to the football game attendees that ZonaZoo left out in the cold, Cactus Grill Bucks and free passes to get into the filled core requirement course of one's choice.

But the UA is much more than its serious commitment to higher education, contributions and campus construction. It also has a fun side.

As proof, the Old Main fountain should be fenced off for the 21-and-up crowd and then filled with ice and bottled beer (imports only, please).

Still, any campus in the country has alumni, buildings and beer-filled fountains. What makes the University of Arizona truly unique and beloved to all who attend it?

The answer is, of course, our location. We should celebrate the UA's unique southwestern flavor by serving, in addition to traditional foods, saguaro fillets, pigeons-on-a-stick and dirt cakes. Everything, even desserts, can be mesquite-grilled.

Sure, Homecoming Weekend will be just fine without any of the above changes ... if you're into the normal, ho-hum sort of event. But with just a few of these additions, the UA will be able to say with pride: "You're in Wildcat country now!

We've got ... stuff!"

Sabrina Noble is an English and creative writing senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu