Love? I Doubt It. Phone Sex? Sure.

Ladies, Joe wants to meet you. Joe wants to meet a girl, any girl, any loose-lipped lady who likes to party and have a good time. Mike wants to meet you too, and Jose, and Gavin, and Matt. Do you like to have a good time? Do you want to meet Joe, Mike, Jose, Gavin and Matt? Then call Live Links, and let the phone sex begin.

OK, that was supposed to sound creepy - because Live Links is really creepy. I know most people will instinctively know this in advance, will have never considered dialing 202-4400 even once in their socially fulfilled, telephone-conversation-satisfied lives. For those of you lured in by the sexy, filtered images of the gorgeous young ladies who sit at home by the fire, making intimate acquaintances via Live Links on late-night TV, please, please, don't do it! Live Links is for the creepy. You aren't creepy yet; don't become creepy!

Live Links is supposedly free for ladies. Like many seedy businesses, Live Links knows that where the ladies go, the fellows follow. For men, though, Live Links costs 59 cents per minute with a credit card, or $1.99/minute if you charge it to your phone bill. Which leads one to the obvious conclusions of: 1. These poor women are lonely and desperate, and 2. These poor men are pathetic and even more desperate, and should maybe spend their money on a haircut or Mystic Tan instead.

What has the world come to when a man is willing to spend something like $20 just to meet a woman who's willing to talk to him? What woman in her right mind would want to call one of these men?

That, I believe, is where the inherent creepiness comes in. Yes, Live Links operates under the guise of a public service. Lonely? No one to talk to? Well, Live Links has someone you can talk to, someone local, someone horny ...

But I think it's really just a telephone pimp. If you want to meet someone for sex (phone variety or otherwise), I'd say try Live Links. I doubt there's really anyone on the other end looking for a long-term or meaningful relationship. They want to party; they all want to party.

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Maybe phone sex with a complete stranger is a thrill I'm just not ready to experience yet. Maybe lining up real-life sexual encounters with these strangers is something everyone should do over the phone, and the fellows should pay for. Maybe Live Links is a godsend.

I don't know, though. It still seems really creepy to me. I couldn't get past the listening to pre-recorded messages part. I don't like to party with strangers. I'm a prude. I like my phone sex the old-fashioned way, with friends and family.

Note: My telephone bill hasn't come in yet. So don't take my word on the whole "free for ladies" thing either. I don't know if I trust Live Links quite that much.