PHOTO COURTESY OF KAZAA I see Paris, I see France, but I do not see her underpants: the Paris Hilton sex tape is available through any file sharing system.

Everyone is buzzing about Paris Hilton's sex tape.

Who will buy it? How did it get out? Does she do anal?

Hilton, who doesn't seem to have a real reason to exist, is the heiress of the Hilton enterprise. She is famous for being famous. She is sort of hot, but it's kind of an anorexic hot. Although it's Hilton who is bringing in the headlines for the sex video, people should really be talking about Rick Solomon, Hilton's former boyfriend. He directs, produces, edits, shoots and costars in the video that's circulating on the Internet and among the media.

First, Solomon often makes sure that he's the focal point of the movie, telling Hilton to move so he's in the frame. Next, Solomon makes himself look really smart. While he tries to parade them as improvisation, Solomon's eloquent articulations he directs at Paris are too sharp. His best line: "Oh yeah, your pussy." Obviously this is why former "90210" star Shannen Doherty chose to wed the big man. He's nothing but class.

But to be quite frank, the tape isn't all it's cracked up to be. It lacks originality, a clear plot and a money shot.

The camera doesn't move too often, which is acceptable if you are working with the right people. But Hilton and Solomon obviously aren't too experienced in making pornography, although they both get around.

Hilton breaks the fourth wall too frequently, and the audience finds her out of character when she says, "Hi" to the camera. The whole thing is fairly unprofessional (which might be why it's called amateur pornography) as the television distorts the sexual dialogue, and a cell phone rings in the middle of a steamy scene.

Solomon can't do everything. He gets too concerned with the sex and forgets that film is art. It seems like sometimes they both forget about the camera and let it sit on a table while they go at it. Solomon creates some interesting first-person shots, but most of the video has a muddled mise-en-scŽne and overflows with poor editing decisions.

And Hilton doesn't even seem into the blowjob. She needs to act like she loves her craft!

My favorite aspect of the video is the choice to shoot the entire thing in night vision. It gives the scenes frightening and dramatic moments when Hilton's eyes seem to be staring deep within my soul.

Most of "The Paris Hilton Sex Tape" is a debacle - nothing compared to Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. I think that Tonya Harding's wedding night one was probably better.

But I guess you can't expect much from a film with a $0 budget, no script and no real actors.

And yet I still maintain hope that someday the right celebrities will get drunk and a director will film them doing things they will regret for the rest of their lives. Ruined careers and feverish downloading will ensue.

I can't wait.