Illustration by Arnie Bermudez

Top 10 reasons men hate women

One of my closest friends recently came to me asking for relationship advice. Rather foolish of her, I think, since I haven't had a girlfriend in three years. Still, we talked for a while, and I gave her my rather pragmatic analysis of the situation. But all this talk about relationships got me feeling, well, pretty pissed off about women in general. So what follows is my top 10 reasons why women suck.

1. They're all dating assholes; therefore, none of them are dating me. Let's face it, women are the ones who choose mates, and they usually choose wrong. All too often, they choose a guy that's not only insensitive, but usually just plain mean. Then they complain about all the problems their relationship has as a result. Of course, they're still not going to listen to the objective third party telling them to reconsider their situation. I couldn't tell you how many times I've told a friend, "This guy may not be the best choice," only to be ignored in the moment and vindicated later.

2. They never ask guys (re: me) out. Really, couldn't women just assert themselves every now and then and make the first move? What about all this equality of the sexes crap? If I'm expected to ask a woman out, she ought to be ready to do the same.

3. They never seem to understand that dancing is not a comfortable activity for the heterosexual male population. This one ought to be obvious. Although I have to admit that men do have one natural defense: Usually, we're so bad at dancing that the girlfriend will ask us to stop. Think this would never happen? I'm living proof. Back in the day, when I actually had a girlfriend, my moves were so bad she asked me to stop dancing at our senior prom.

Tim Belshe Columnist

4. They milk the whole menstruation thing way too much. Everyone knows that women got the short end of the biological stick. I'm willing to admit that being forced to endure a monthly hell is probably worse than having to deal with jock itch and the occasional kidney stone. But in case you haven't gotten the message over eons of human history, there's not much we can do about it. Besides, if you weren't all dating assholes (see No. 1), your boyfriends would probably be a little more understanding. So just suck it up and stop bitching about it, no pun intended.

5. They're too self-conscious. You look fine, so stop worrying about it. I'd just like to point out that if it weren't socially unacceptable to stare at women, you'd all probably have much higher self esteem. I'm not saying the old ways were right, just that they had certain benefits.

6. They're never clear about what they want. If you want help with something, ask. If you're upset about something, address the issue. If someone offers to help and you turn him down, you don't have the right to be moody about it. None of this "you ought to know if I need help, but since you don't I'm just going to give you the cold treatment" crap.

7. They lead guys on without knowing it. As soon as a guy meets a woman who flirts with him, even in the slightest degree, he thinks he finally found someone who wants to sleep with him. Keep that in mind next time you start making conversation.

8. They can never tell when they're being used. It doesn't matter how many times you explain to a woman that a guy is only interested in getting into her pants, she still won't believe you until she's been mistreated for at least six months. Then, it usually takes her another two or three months to work up the courage to dump the guy. If anything even remotely similar to this has ever happened to you, be sure to listen to your friends next time.

9. They tend to dress like $5 whores. Not all women, mind you; but every now and then, especially in the summer, the UA Mall looks more like a strip club than a college campus. If you're going to buy one of those "shirts" with no back, save your money and just get a handkerchief and some fishing line. There's nothing wrong with a little modesty once in a while.

10. None of them asked me out for Valentine's Day. Screw them all.

Tim Belshe is a bitter, lonely, eligible systems engineering junior. If you'd like a date with him, he can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu. Women only please.

Sara Warzecka Columnist

Why women love to loathe the opposite sex

Expected: a dozen roses, emotion, perfect evening. Received: restaurant wait-list, wilted flowers, broken heart. In honor of Valentine's Day, let's thank the guys in advance for ruining what Hallmark deems a "special day with your special someone." Every girl knows that guys are inferior. It's one of those things that goes without saying. But every once in a while, we need to say it, just to keep them in their place.

1. "I'm hot shit." Without fail, every guy thinks he's something special. Especially since his mom tells him so. Guys are horrendously arrogant with inflated egos. They take far too much pride in their exquisite probes. Really, how can you be so cocky in something that looks like a strangled chicken's neck? Women really don't care. Either it's too small, too thin or just 2 inches.

2. The hypocrisy is unending. Either for or against homosexuality, I've never met a straight man who was comfortable with gay people (excluding lesbian porn, of course). However, that certainly doesn't stop athletes from slapping each others' butts. He may say it's just supporting the team, but I know what team he'd say he was on if he saw that. Sounds like a closet case to me.

3. Men are morons. It's the unfortunate truth that comes with the Y chromosome. Just think of Jacob's ladder - that males condone and admire such extraordinary self-mutilation makes them all idiots. However, one must concede they have just enough brain activity to understand they're too much like blindly groping perverted monkeys to please a woman in any other way.

4. Men in cars lead to the degradation of society. Women are bad drivers. Ask any guy and they'll tell you as much. However, men drive like maniacs. Somehow every day on I-10 becomes the Indy500. But let's not forget what happens when they aren't on the freeway. When a guy sees a girl with too-short shorts walking, he needs to shove his tongue back in his mouth and keep on driving.

5. There is a reason women are so affection-starved. Most guys are not Casanova or Romeo, or even O.J. Simpson. Apparently, to men those three precious words are "my nuts itch." Most men lack the romantic initiative that a girl develops at age 4. They say women are too confusing and would rather have weasels gnaw off their toes then have a "relationship talk." "I'm just not emotionally ready for this kind of commitment. I just wanted a sip of your Coke."

6. If they can never manage to grow up, they should join Michael Jackson in Neverland. Playing videogames in college instead of doing homework foretells his sad, lonely future as a 40-year-old sitting in the dark alone, looking at kiddy porn on the Internet (although, apparently, some dorm-dwellers do that already). Overall, guys think being lazy is cute. Sickness is one thing, but most guys expect their girlfriends to play mommy 24/7. I'm just not into this incest thing.

7. It's not OK to use pet names, but they can name everything else. Girls (most of them) don't name their breasts, so why do guys get to name their penises? Apparently it's a separate organism of its own. Most girls go for monogamy, so as far as having a single boyfriend, maybe we should all take a hint from Lorena Bobbit. There's also the ritualistic naming of the car. Of course it takes on a female name to replace the emptiness in his life where there might be a girlfriend, if only he wasn't lame enough to name his car.

8. Men are sexual liars. There are two kinds of these common lies. In the case of cheating, men argue that it's a man's evolutionary reproductive responsibility to find multiple mates. Bull! In evolutionary terms, we could call this the asshole gene. One could say men and women cheat equally, but the truth is that, more commonly, men are the ones stupid enough to get caught. Then there are the single man's lies about how many girls he had over last night. No one believes you!

9. It's my remote control, until he comes over. If I have the remote in hand, the chanting begins. "Fooooootball, fooooootball!" Every guy is addicted to sports, and the only way he'll relinquish the remote is if he needs a moment to rearrange, adjust or itch his "boys." That takes priority over all.

10. Boys smell bad. Enough said. Don't expect too much on Valentine's. They're just men, and men are inferior.

Sara Warzecka has decided it is much easier to complain about individuals than groups. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.