photo courtesy of Badman Recording Ill Lit will be helping all the Valentine's Day haters forget about their troubles this Saturday. Also performing downtown will be DJ Portia Surreal and Swell.

With a rebel yell, you cry, "I hate fucking Valentine's Day!!!" You need a place to go brood over that rat-bastard or dirty-tramp who did you wrong. Or maybe you just want to attend an event that will strike as a symbolic bare-ass to all the losers who rush out to purchase little cutesy heart candy and "special" Hallmark cards with red flowers and fluffy, white teddy bears.

Well, brothers and sisters, luckily the downtown bar scene feels you.

Unite with fellow singles or couples who dry-heave at the red cursive writing of "Valentine's Day."

Heart V's owner, Wilbur, welcomes all to the annual "Love Stinks" Valentine's Day Ball. On a night 50 Cent would approve of, performances and events will be geared more toward having sex than making love.

"It's for anyone who just wants to have a non-romantic Valentine's Day," Wilbur said.

Some folks from the Sex Workers' Festival will be co-hosting the event, and beginning at 9:30 p.m., they will be performing a sado-masochistic leather bondage play, fire handling, spankings and other general things of that nature.

And yes, you might even be able to get in on some tough love.

"I'm sure they (Sex Workers) would be willing to give somebody a lesson," Wilbur said.

The S and M will precede a fashion show at 11:30 p.m. featuring young women in skimpy outfits who will probably make you forget all about that cheating floozy.

Sore ass from a nice whipping not your thing?

Maybe you need some aural delights to help drink yourself into a blurry, slurry, makeshift troubadour.

Southern California's Ill Lit, which combines country melodies with electronics to create "Country from 2028," will be on hand Saturday night at Plush to help musically drive that fender-less pickup right over that no good son of a bitch.

"The fact that we're going to be playing on Valentine's Day, and that I have no valentine whatsoever, is fitting," singer, guitarist and beat-maker Daniel Ahearn said.

Ahearn, however, encourages ladies who "like to drink" to come and help him get through the night.

Despite many songs dealing with longing, heartbreak, regret and loss, Ahearn said the mood might get downright romantic Saturday night.

Fear not, however, as the heartfelt songs could also double as a soundtrack for more sinister activities.

"I think (the music) would definitely encourage amorous feelings," he said. "It's a great place to meet someone and also a good place to break up."

Up the street from Heart V on Valentine's Day will be topless-female, East Coast DJ Portia Surreal at Club Congress. Fear no "Nipplegate" backlash at Congress, however, as Surreal will be on the wheels of steel soothing the dance floor's collective scorched heart and soothing the eyes.

"You can see the love, not just feel it," said Congress booker Curtis McCrary.

Should you decide that going out on Valentine's Day is far too painful an event, sleep well, Congress has you covered there too.

The "Voluptuous Horror Of February 13th" will feature local bands such as Mankind, The Red Switch, The Therapists, Amor and more, as they prepare to aurally shred all those thoughts of emptiness or indifference right out of your mind.

"This is going to be the negative side of all the wonderful, positive things that are celebrated on February 14th," McCrary said.

Oh, and should you feel like breaking in that leather cat suit a day before the Heart V event at Congress, make sure to bring your ATM card.

"On the 13th, you'll have to pay double if you come in any kind of latex gear," he said.

The "Voluptuous Horror Of February 13th" at Club Congress, 311 E. Congress St., costs $5 and starts at 8 p.m. Heart V, 61 E. Congress St., will charge $5 before 9 p.m. and $7 after for the "Love Stinks" Valentine's Day Ball. Tickets for Portia Surreal at Club Congress on Valentine's Day are $14, and the show begins at 9 p.m. Ill Lit plays Plush for $5 Saturday night from 9:30 p.m. to 10:30 p.m.