Venice the menace (cont.)

When in Harry's Bar be sure to try a Bellini (a sparkling wine and fresh fruit juice mix), but be warned: Hemingway called it a drink for "sissies" and then likely ordered one of Harry's lethal martinis. If you think it's been a while since one drink has brought you to your knees and made you beg for a second chance at life, well, then a martini at Harry's Bar is perfect for you (weirdo). It is sure to aid you in seeing stars or falling uncontrollably into large bodies of water. Cheers.

The Rialto Bridge is a great place to gander out at the Grand Canal or spit on the passing gondolas. Now while I don't really condone spitting on gondolas, I can't really endorse them either. They are roughly 80 Euros for a ride and unless you have someone with you worth that kind of bread, walking along the banks or taking a vaporetti (water bus) works just as well.

If all that sounds too lame for you, then you can certainly try swimming the Grand Canal for the purest of all Venetian experiences (pure only in theory as the water is filthy). Oh, and they call it "Venezia" (starting to get the picture?).

Florence: Michelangelo's (second) favorite place to be buried

Florence is Rome's slightly better, more arrogant younger brother, and with just cause. The whole city is a postcard to the arts, architecture, and landscape of Italy. The streets, the sights, hell, even the homeless seem to shine a bit more in Florence.

First, if you get a chance to spend a day or so outside of Florence in the Tuscany region, do so. Walk or bike-ride along the Arno River and endure the ridicule of the local fishermen while your jaw remains in constant drop-position at the beauty of the surrounding countryside (truly unreal). The wine in this region (including Chianti, the region that made wine) seems to be a bit finer and tastier. Plus, it'll get you drunk. Real drunk.

However, once you've returned to Planet Earth in Florence you'll have to keep on your feet to see everything. To go to Florence without visiting the Uffizi is to go to New York without once setting your sights on the Statue of Liberty, or something like that.

Inside you will be treated to some of the Gothic and Renaissance's finest pieces of artwork; including, strangely, some of the ugliest paintings of Madonna and Child (apparently those old-timey artists weren't afraid of any kind of vengeful wrath for depicting the Lord and his mama in a less than flattering light).

If your leg muscles are feeling fit and vigorous, be sure to show them who's boss as you climb all 463 steps to the top of the Duomo (296 feet) for a breathtaking and vertigo-inducing panoramic view of Florence. If you're like me (read: cowardly) you'll get the panoramic view, only you'll be clutching the walls for dear life, fearful of a rather one-dimensional tumble hundreds of feet down (the railing around the top is roughly waist-high).

Oh, and these are not your friendly, modern steps - those monks had them some strong calves and there is no shame in taking anywhere from 10 to 215 stops along the way up.

However, after such a workout be sure to treat yourself to some of Florence's wonderful cuisine. Some of the finest pizza and paninis fill the streets and narrow alleyways of Florence (take a gamble, they're all pretty good). Gelato is a must anywhere in Italy, but there seems to be an endless bounty of it in Florence and I'm guessing they make it with a smile.

My one Italian restaurant recommendation would be Il Latini near the Uffizi. It's an eating experience that generally seats in two bulky groups (7:30 and 9:30 p.m.), however, they do get people in and out throughout the evening. They throw you in and seat you and your company with whoever else works to fill out your table (true family-style) and then they just throw massive portions of food (very un-Italian) and a jug of wine (roughly two liters) at you all to enjoy.

The courses are nearly constant and il vino doth flow surprisingly easily, particularly after the first several cup's worth (that's right, no fancy wine glasses here). Before you know it you'll be drunk and full, which nicely softens the blow of the bill (roughly 40 Euros a person).

"Firenze!" It's called, "Firenze."

I went to Italy and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt

Italy may seem like some strange, crazy and scary place, and it is, but don't be fearful. The people are almost exclusively wonderful and pleasant and the culture is something that truly has to be experienced firsthand for full enjoyment.

Lastly, pack your iron lung because everyone in Italy smokes. Everyone. Oh, and they call it "Italia" (those crazy Italians).