By Moe Naqvi
Illustration by Arnie Bermudez
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Friday, October 29, 2004
Each year on Oct. 31, everyone across this land of hot dogs and freedom fries takes time out of their busy schedule to celebrate Juliette Gordon Lowe's birthday. That's right, she's the woman who started the awesome Girl Scouts of America organization. It also just so happens that Halloween falls on the exact same date, which people love to celebrate too.
Halloween has been a time-honored tradition by kids, teens, and adults of all ages. The candy, costumes, and parties bring more fun than a barrel of monkeys with Pop Rocks and Pepsi.
Halloween is this Sunday and the time for merriment is fast approaching.
Halloween is the only day of the year that provides a wonderful and valid excuse for girls to dress up as Playboy bunnies or prostitutes without being berated by society. It also provides for men to be able to wear masks and look at these girls without being noticed.
UA freshman Melissa Taylor is going to be partaking in Halloween festivities and she had this to say: "I've always dreamt of being a prostitute, but this is the only holiday where I can actually act out my dream without being criticized."
Halloween is mostly fun and games, but college students must remember that there must be a level of precaution taken on this dreadful day of doom.
First things first, it is important to dress up in a costume, but it is not important to act out the character to the utmost degree. If you're a pirate, go ahead and wear that eye patch, but don't design your own plank and force students to walk off it from the Student Union's top floor. That's called first-degree murder, which I think is illegal in 50 states.
There have been many individuals who take Halloween as a time to "act out their costume." In an incident last year in Boston, the city police reported that a group of teens were arrested for dressing up as homeless drug addicts and carrying cocaine. The teens claimed that the cocaine was only to make their costume look more realistic. But despite the fact it was Halloween didn't mean that laws are allowed to be broken. Go figure. The teens were arrested for drug possession even though they were just celebrating Halloween.
So to all the rowdy rascals out there, please make sure you have a radical costume, but also make sure that you don't commit illegal actions to complete your character.
Secondly, every Halloween reveler must know that they are not safe. It's Halloween, which makes it the perfect time for real murderers, kidnappers, and thieves to come and get you. Everyone is disguised as someone else, so most people don't take the time to give shady-looking individuals another look.
Bad people are everywhere, especially on Halloween. No one is ever safe.
An individual must know their immediate environment, otherwise death is sure to be around the corner for those who are apathetic to security.
It is a fact that crime rate goes up each Halloween weekend, and to make sure that one stays safe, it is necessary for an individual to carry around a whistle and a flashlight. The whistle is small enough to shove down a kidnapper's throat and a flashlight is blunt enough to knock out a potential murderer.
Lastly, Halloween is the perfect time for you to be poisoned, either through the sweetness of candy or alcohol. When people get old, most of them get bitter and resentful, much like John Stamos.
Bitter people love to take every advantage that could potentially ruin another person's life and it is necessary to defeat their malevolent agenda. If you're a college student who still goes trick-or-treating, then you probably deserve to be poisoned, but just in case you want to protect yourself, here are a couple of tips. If someone hands you an unwrapped Mr. Goodbar bar, then it's probably laced with anthrax. Only consume something if it is properly sealed.
If you're at a party and the last can of cold beer is opened on top of a table, restrain yourself. You never know if someone slipped in an ounce of cyanide. Halloween is a time for letting loose and going wild, but it's also a time to be attacked and hurt. Don't trust anyone, except yourself. Don't even trust parents.
In 1974, an 8-year-old boy died from cyanide-laced candy, which he picked up on Halloween. Apparently, the father had intentionally spread cyanide on the candy in order to kill his son. The reason was so he could collect insurance. Sure it happened in 1974, but parents are still the tricky little scalawags they have always been.
Have fun on Halloween, but know your surroundings and be ready for attacks because the potential to die is everywhere.
Moe Naqvi is a physiological sciences freshman. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.