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The Internet: Where else would I find this crap?

Perhaps Japan's answer to the boy-band craze, this group of maniacally happy studs frolics onstage and through the streets of Japan wearing nothing but leaves over their junk. This site features a life-affirming song, full of hope, joy and "yatta." Though other, more clothed people in the video find the nudity disturbing, the members of this group and their screaming horde of fans (which is written in Japanese and therefore inaccessible to our Wildcat monoglots) encourage each other to keep striving for more ... yatta.
By Mark Sussman & Eli Herman
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, April 8, 2004
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The world of Internet cinema rarely gets its due. Despite millions of viewers every day, most mainstream media organizations just don't get excited about a pudgy Canadian middle schooler's "Star Wars" fantasy, or a Japanese pop group's biblical interpretations. In the interest of giving some much needed hard-copy publicity to up-and-coming cultural icons (and stealing some of Peter Jackson's thunder), here are the best and brightest of Internet cinema.

Bubb Rubb -

Minor celebrity, motorist, philosopher: All of these words describe Oakland, Calif., icon Bubb Rubb, but none is adequate to express the charisma exuded by the man. In defense of the loud and obnoxious "whistle tip" fad that swept exhaust pipes across the nation, Rubb says, "That's only in the morning, like when you're making breakfast for somebody. It's like an alarm clock: woo-woo!" In addition to his sage-like status on the streets of Oakland, Rubb is also an innovative driver, as evidenced by his demonstration of the ear-shattering whistle tip. Rubb starts his car, veers into oncoming traffic, then almost hits a parked car, only to straighten out, swerve back to the right side of the street and run a stop sign. Woo-woo!

At this point, young Ghyslain Raza is probably the most high profile of Internet cinema stars. As if his name didn't bring enough torment with it, this poor, doughy soul left a video of himself imitating a Jedi master in his middle school's A/V room VCR. Inevitably, it made it to the Internet, and rumor has it Raza was forced to leave his school for a stint in a mental institution. But it's quite a performance; Raza parries and thrusts with his golf club-cum-light saber, all while exhibiting balletic prowess worthy of Baryshnikov himself. A soul-stirring performance from the Internet's resident tortured artist.

Technical Virgins -

If you're a virtuous girl who still wants to get her rocks off, there aren't many options. In fact, according to the commercials on, there are only two: anal sex or a vibrator. Thank God these videos are here to inform and instruct. Who knows how many crazy freshman coeds would resort to abstinence if it weren't for these fun and creative ways to keep your virginity while learning to enjoy carnal pleasures. These videos have been around for a while, but their ability to prove that technical virginity can still be dirty makes them worthy of a mention.

Whether it's flatulence deodorizers (, a bucket of money ( or just the truth ( you're looking for, the Web is the place to find it. Recently, I was feeling as if I had seen everything worth seeing on the Internet. One of the problems I have with the Internet is that after a half-hour of looking around, the search turns into a porn quest. This time, I have embraced self-control and promised my computer that we would have "special time" later. There is an excess of bullshit on the Web, but had I taken full advantage of all of it? My guess was no. To be sure, I scoured the dingiest corners of cyberspace and came up with a list of the places you might have missed.

This is why the Internet was made. On this site, the user is encouraged to move their mouse over a button and hold it for as long as possible. There are even instructions which make the complicated process bearable. After you let go of the button (Hint: Never let go of the button), the site tells you how many people held it longer than you and gives the current record, which is longer than 13 days.

Absolutely the top choice for Japanese pop-culture products, J-List has all the products that have let the Japanese ascend to the godlike status their culture rests at. For example: mint-flavored eyedrops ($12) and bamboo ear cleaners ($2.50). There's even a filter at the main page so you don't have to look at adult products. However, I don't know what's adult about a "Hello Kitty" pen-sized shoulder massager.

The best way to fight the man is to know his strategy. Adbusters will help you with that mission. Also a printed magazine, Adbusters actively informs about corporations, their shady dealings and the news you should be hearing.

Now even peasants like us can talk to washed-up movie stars! For $19.95 (and a healthy suspension of disbelief) you can choose from a list of celebrities on and have them personally call your cell phones. You can choose from people like Lorenzo Lamas, Cindy Margolis and Todd Bridges (Willis on "Diff'rent Strokes"). I honestly don't know if this is funny or the saddest Web site in the world.

If you are going to look at porn, why not make it good porn? With more than 200 punk rock, goth and emo girls, Suicide Girls takes the tasteful approach to erotica. There are also news sections and interviews to the tune of David Cross, Bernardo Bertolucci and Lemmy from metal band Motorhead. The only drawback is the $9 join fee, but it costs to be well-informed and aroused simultaneously.

You know that guy who's always telling you about the latest band? It's time to school that guy. Now you know the secret; it's Epitonic. The site is constantly updated and allows any user to download free MP3s. Searches can be based on genre, artist, top downloads or newest releases. It seems like a basic service that should have been provided years ago. And maybe it was, but I just found out about it.

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The Internet: Where else would I find this crap?
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