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Who would have thought . . . there's no love in strip clubs

By Nate Buchik & Kevin Smith
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, November 6, 2003

BUCHIK: It's not always easy to find love. It's not even easy to find someone who will spend any time with me at all.

SMITH: But that was our task for last Saturday night: find love.

BUCHIK: So I filled my pockets with condoms ...

SMITH: Yeah, except we were looking for love, not sex.

BUCHIK: It might have been love at first sight and we would have had to consummate our profound love.

SMITH: Whatever works. We decided the best place to find some lovely ladies would be a bar ...

BUCHIK: And I'm only 19.

SMITH: But hope was not lost for the night. We decided we needed a place where there would be a ton of hot women.

BUCHIK: So the strip club was our destination. We went to Empress at 3832 E. Speedway Blvd. first.

SMITH: That place sucked.

BUCHIK: One look inside and we decided it was time to leave: cockroaches on the floor and sticky substances all over the "Adult Videos."

SMITH: Actually, we were kicked out by a chick who looked like she's been living in the fast lane for far too long. She took my ID and went and got some ex-porn star dudes from the back room as reinforcements.

BUCHIK: They looked like they had just got done shooting a scene together, and said that journalists weren't welcome in Empress.

SMITH: The chick at the counter couldn't muster a reason why journalists weren't allowed, just that she "didn't know why" and that they "just weren't." Being that we didn't fully meet 21+ age requirements, we had one more shot at seeing naked love in all it's splendor: The Bunny Ranch at 3650 E. Speedway Blvd.

BUCHIK: After a $12 cover, we walked in expecting love to pop right up. I mean, $12. That's got to get you some love, right?

SMITH: Well, we got to look at love for $12, but not taste it. That's why we had to buy drinks. I went with the $5.50 Starbucks coffee.

BUCHIK: It was a splendid blend of espresso, sugar and water. I went with the water at $4.25. I had to pee after that, but I didn't want to go to the bathroom. Kevin would have thought that I was trying to find inner love.

SMITH: From the looks of the mulleted and barking patrons, we had definitely walked into the upper echelons of true gentlemen's club territory.

BUCHIK: There were two stages! That's double the fun. But in all actuality, Bunny Ranch is one long table surrounded by chairs. Since there are two poles, I guess there are two stages.

SMITH: Then, magically, we found out how to score a brush with love. See, it comes in the form of a $1 bill. Thank you, Mr. Washington. And every girl there will love you for a minimum of five seconds. Or at least glance in your direction while feeling herself. But you know she's thinking about you.

BUCHIK: And oh, how all these women broke my heart with their capricious ways. You think you have something when a girl gyrates up to your face, but that love is a sham! The mulleted dude had the $5 power of Abraham Lincoln. With my slave wages from the Wildcat, I suppose I can't afford love.

SMITH: After witnessing the same five-six girl rotation of thrusting bare torsos at least three times in the same hour, we had seen these girls naked way too many times. More than some of the girls I dated, and yet we felt no love in our black hearts.

BUCHIK: No kidding. I was ready to dump every girl in the joint. We had some good times, but they were talking commitment. $20 for a lap dance? I needed some time apart to explore what else was out there.

SMITH: We're rolling stones. We gather no moss, and neither do some of those girls apparently.

BUCHIK: So we bounced from that bee-yotch, giving much props to the dominatrix chick who whipped the hell out of some little boy on his 18th birthday.

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