Illustration by Josh Hagler

The Good:

Good old-fashioned rock 'n' roll has emerged from its slumber to put Justin Timberlake and his cronies to bed once and for all. New sounds are emerging from all parts of the world right now, singing the eulogy of the Backstreet Boys.

Anybody who wants to know what I'm talking about need look no further than the New York-based band The Strokes. Its debut album Is This It? was released last year and is the cornerstone of my argument. This is a disc you can play on repeat front to back, and the band members are just hitting their early '20s. Indie music snobs may write these lads off as rich, Velvet Underground rip-offs sipping their decaf lattˇs under a tired Starbucks umbrella, but hands-down, this is the best debut I've heard in the last two or three years.

Want more? Check out Australia's own The Avalanches' new disc, Since I Left You, a sampling buffet of ill beats and trip-tastic melodies that mesh 18 tracks to sound like one long daydream.

Want head-banging, teeth-grinding, nail-biting, speedball-injecting metal? Toss on Andrew WK's new album, I Get Wet, and set it to track two, "Party Hard." Enough said.

How about The White Stripes from Detroit, The Hives from Sweden, or Black Rebel Motor Cycle Club from California? I'm not sure what the popular music press is going to label this new wave but I'm guessing the words "boy" and "band" will not be in the title.

The Bad:

Just edging out Kid Rock covering classic rock tunes for the bad category is culture shock. I moved here two years ago from Massachusetts and I've noticed subtle differences in the East and West Coast cultures. For instance, let's suppose I'm an al-Qaida operative sent to the University of Arizona to infiltrate the system as a student. So far, I've learned a few things about how to look like I've always lived here. How about using fistfuls of hair gel, sporting clothes from Pacific Sunwear, riding a skateboard around campus while munching on a Chipotle burrito and humming Blink-182 songs? Done. I'm in. The campus is mine! Not that the East Coast doesn't have its strange styles as well. I'm sure I'd garner more than a few jibes if I showed up on campus in a full-body Adidas tracksuit, wife beater on underneath, gold chains around my neck, munching on a piece of pizza from Mario's, while rolling down Park Avenue in my IROC-Z28 bobbing my head to AC/DC's "Back in Black." As for the Midwest and deep-South cultures, I propose that musical instruments be banned from these areas of the nation. Country is more annoying than that damn Fandango guy before each and every movie.

The Ugly:

Old meat tossers who rip on the fact that they have to look at young, beautiful women are the ugly. Last week was the Oscars, and Gwyneth Paltrow wore a top that pretty much left little to the imagination when you glanced/stared at her chest.

The next day, two of America's biggest washed up and/or wank artists were complaining about how they had to look at Ms. Paltrow's chest.

One of these guys was Arsenio Hall on his "Tonight Show" appearance. I can let that slide because I think the guy is mentally challenged. Howard Stern however, who was funny 10 years ago, said Paltrow's breasts looked similar to fried eggs.

That's fine; every man is entitled to his own opinion. This is America after all. However, when we are all so lucky to live in a country where a gorgeous woman like Paltrow is allowed to wear see-through tops on national television, especially in light of last year's tragic events and the Taliban's horrific treatment of women, the fact that we have this deformed mongoloid on the nation's airwaves complaining about such things makes me sick.

This is not the only case. Recently A.J. Benza, a reporter and show host for the E! Channel, said he would not have sex with No Doubt's Gwen Steffani because her breasts were too small. Dude, you work for E! You're lucky if you bed Delta Burke! Also, "The Man Show's" Adam Corolla was on MTV watching a Kylie Minogue video and stated that "Minogue" was French for "Old Hag." Now, for a guy whose face most closely resembles a hairy ass, Corolla would be wise to keep such comments to himself.

Most guys, or maybe just me, would grovel at the toes of these women for the chance of a few minutes of sheer bliss with them. These clowns are declaring that when faced with inevitable sex from women like Gwen, Gwyneth and Kylie, they'd pass. That says a lot. Mostly it emphasizes the fact that at the end of the day, theses guys will be spending their night with Patty Palm and her five sisters.