Illustration by Josh Hagler

Monday October 1, 2001

Picture this: You've hopped on your bike, and you're pedaling quickly down the designated bike path to reach class on time. Suddenly your life has become a scene from the old-school Nintendo game, "Paperboy," and you're dodging students left and right.

The culprit? The cell phone.

Gabbing away about last night's party, tonight's party, yesterday's outfit, today's outfit or - even more distracting - actual important news, many students fall victim to the must-use-cell-phone-between-every-class rule that the university follows strictly. If this was a stellar N.C. Winters cartoon from the back page of the Wildcat, it could read: Stuff I Hate: Cell-phone-using pedestrians who blindly stumble into bike paths. Well, he's far better at it.

This column is not advocating the position that you should discontinue the use of your cell phone. The cell phone is the best invention since sliced bread when it comes to emergency situations, roadside service, parent-teenager relationships, doctors on call and plenty of other things. However, there are a few things every cell phone user should be aware of. Without further ado:

Top Ten Reasons to Monitor Your Cell Phone Usage:

10. The car issue. You've heard about it. Joe calls you up to tell you that he heard from Mike that, like, Susie is totally into you. This is not news you should be receiving in rush-hour traffic where you could injure yourself and others. This news should be received in front of your floor-length mirror where you can do the Tommy-touchdown dance.

9. It makes you a monster. You go from angel to devil in zero seconds flat. You're at a coffee shop, and your best friend is telling you that her fiance has broken off the engagement. Your cell phone rings, and out of habit, you interrupt her and answer it. She will never trust you the same way again.

8. Your professors hate you. Unless you've given them advanced warning that your wife is 8 1/2 months pregnant or that you're on an organ-donor list waiting for a call, then you can bet that if your cell phone goes off in class, your professors will remember you until the day they record their grades. This is not a good thing.

7. Interruptions. You're in the middle of a final exam. You're in the middle of being interviewed for medical school. Worse, you're in the middle of a date. Do you really want mother calling in the middle of it?

6. Neck cramps. Your hands are full and you're holding the phone to your ear with your shoulder. Owie.

5. Phone bills. Hidden charges.

4. Yuppieville. You look elitist. Not necessarily true about you, but just something to be aware of.

3. Fear of Samuel L. Jackson. Legend has it that he did a favor two years ago for a friend and stepped into a role for a few nights in a play in New York City. During a crucial monologue, someone's cell phone went off. He interrupted himself and asked the audience to just wait for the rude person to shut it off as it continued to ring. He then came down off stage and just stared at the person in his seat in his scariest, "Pulp Fiction"-esque face. Yikes.

2. You can still be cool. Before cell phones, people still figured out how to go out on the weekend and meet up with friends. No really, they did - except they planned an hour ahead instead of five minutes.

1. Alertness. Sick but true: Ladies, don't walk alone at night. And if you have to, for God's sake don't talk on a cell phone. It's as if you're a walking advertisement for someone not paying any attention to her surroundings.

Many use cell phones out of necessity. What can one do if his roommate is constantly on the computer and tying up the phone line? But the above guidelines can help us all survive the technology era. Go in peace and love your fellow women and men, not your cell-friend.