Tylor Brand

There's always a distinct smell in the air around election time, and not just around the slaughterhouse when they're rendering pig snouts. Take a deep whiff. Hmm, what is that stench? But of course! The sweet malodor of stagnation.

"But Tylor," you may say, "our two party system recycles itself every 20 years or so when people figure out the party in power seems to have done nothing but drop LSD through their eyeballs and eat crayons for said 20 years. That's plenty of variety and change!"

Here's the deal: Republicans and Democrats are basically the same. It's been that way for decades, and the main decisions are made due to infantile struggles over power more than ideology. Of course their platforms are different, but why do you really think everyone was pissing vinegar when Senator Tom Jeffords went independent? It threw off the Republican power base, which is what they really care about. The people in power are the elite rich already, so nothing they do affects their caste anyway. If Democrats were any different, President Bill Clinton wouldn't have brought to life King George I's weaselly corporate NAFTA plan and if Republicans were different, they wouldn't be giving over $75 billion in tax money in corporate welfare (lowball estimate). Capitalism my ass.

It doesn't matter whom we elect at this point; the problem is that we have to elect someone, and it's often a choice between two distasteful bluebloods recycling ideology. If either party were pushing change, wouldn't we have fixed our problems already? And more to the point, does voting do anything other than give "The People" an empty feeling that they participated in a system that operates totally beyond their control?

Solution: Trash the system. Here's a few ideas.

1. "None of the above" listing on ballots. Apparently this once came in second in a Nevada Republican primary (and would have won presidential race 2000), which leads to an interesting premise: If nobody wants the people they're electing to office, why do we have to elect them? Give us real choice!

2. Throw out McCain/Feingold/Schayes/Meehan "incumbent protection act." The basic premise of this was "clean elections" ÷ the only cleanliness of which is the undergarments of the voters when they see that (surprise!) the scumbag derelict they've had in office the last dozen years or so has been elected again. John McCain either sees the Bill of Rights as merely decorative napkin designs for his wife's Budweiser corporate parties or is about as in touch as Strom Thurmond, who can still remember where he was when the South seceded, but has done little more than decay recently. And what has the FEC been doing? Isn't it their job to keep an eye on this stuff? Quick fix: Don't let former CEO Congressmen dictate trade ÷ it's statist, corrupt and wrong. If they can't affect business, they can't be bought by it.

3. Initiative processes that let us cut legislation. It's our money, it's our lives; let us decide! "But mob rule · " Ha! Do you really think if people read the "(you damn well better be a) Patriot Act" they'd stand for it? But can we do anything? No. And how much will this cost us, besides more of our rights? I haven't been able to add it all up, but by what I see I don't think I want to. Find and read this bill.

4. Proportional representation: Once again the "mob rule · " lackeys are going to pipe up, but look to states where this truly democratic idea is in place ÷ there is no majority. In fact, most parties would be lucky to pull 20 percent of the vote, and corruption is negligible. Us? We're down two Congressmen for taking bribes in one year.

5. Voter apathy: I'd say vote third party for governor (Barry Hess), and secretary of state (Sean Nottingham). Other than that, a benefit of having a write-in slot provides an interesting method of voter protest. We can safely figure that electing most candidates to public office will either lead to us paying their prison fees or cocaine habits, so let's do them a favor: Start a massive write-in campaign! I'd suggest Barry Goldwater, as he not only has experience in politics, but has one more key personality trait ÷ notably, death. If he's not alive and kicking, he's not alive and kicking us around.