Illustration by Cody Angell
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Arizona Daily Wildcat
Wednesday November 6, 2002
The long-time, universally recognized symbols of the Democratic and Republican Parties are the donkey and the elephant, respectively.
Is it time for a change? Perhaps the filthy, stubborn donkey doesn't represent the Democrats of today.
Likewise, the awkward, gluttonous elephant may no longer do the Republicans justice.
But what, or whom, should the animals be replaced with? Other animals? Symbols? Single letters or numbers?
Or perhaps something edgier and more belligerent would be appropriate. What do you think? Here are some colorful suggestions.
Walking, talking puppet would be good Democrat
Here's the next great mascot for the Democrats: a walking, talking real-life puppet. This mascot could walk around Washington D.C. touting the party line in a mindless fashion.
The best part about a real-life talking mascot is that it could do all the dirty work for the Democratic Party: A day in the life of this symbol might include attending a union rally, assuring auto workers that jobs are a top priority and then attending an environmental rally, claiming that Mother Nature should win out over jobs every time. Any discrepancies pointed out in the mascot's speeches could be easily attributed to mascot error.
Eventually, the puppet would gain enough popularity to take his act out on the road. Tom Daschle could drive it around in a van and put on a ventriloquist act. Once again, the mascot could prove itself useful by mailing Daschle anonymous anthrax letters to gain sympathy.
There would also be a lot of different costumes that the puppet could wear. Most obvious would be the "Attention Potential Muggers/Rapists: I Support Gun Control and I'm Unarmed" T-Shirt with a bull's eye on the back.
The only drawback to a puppet mascot, of course, is that it would be putting Frank Lautenberg and Walter Mondale out of a job.
Jason Winsky is a Political Science junior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Bigger, stronger Democrats; sneakier Republicans
It's time for the Democrats to have a mascot bigger than the donkey. While the GOP claims to be the big elephant party, they really don't represent more people (as evidenced by the increasing ultra-conservative stances their candidates are taking). The Democrats should take the humpback whale as their logo, representing their strong belts of support on the coasts, and the large size, yet elusiveness of their members.
The donkey has served the Democrats well, nevertheless. Though at times belligerent, donkeys are sure-footed and can guide one through rough terrain just as the Democrats have proven adept at guiding the nation through tough times.
The Republicans should clearly change to a python. Their money-driven campaigns are not that of an elephant plowing through the forest, but a snake in the grass popping up only to strike and inject expensive venom into an unsuspecting Democrat.
Perhaps the Republican python could have scales of dollar signs, and the Democratic whale could have a collage of people reflected off its wet body.
The Republican Party has become about money and elections have become business transactions, while Democrats still keep people as the most important issue.
Kendrick Wilson is a political science sophomore. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Let's have fun new mascots for everyone!
With all the joy and diversity that third parties bring to American politics, why confine our discussion to the Democrats and Republicans? No one is exempt!
Democrats' new mascot: the scapegoat. War, recession, a failing education system: The Democrats are very good at pointing all of these out and assigning blame. However, when it comes to finding solutions, they would rather leave things to the Republicans. No time for planning in their busy name-calling, finger-pointing schedules.
Republicans' new mascot: the bible thumper. Hopefully, by the time this runs, the Fish will be belly-up. Unfortunately, he's just one of many attempting to ride the new ultraconservative liberty-be-damned backwards wave into office.
Libertarians' new mascot: the paranoid android. I agree, the government is up to no good and the drug war is a joke. But not all of society's problems are attributable to these two sources.
Greens' new mascot: the invisible mosquito. You can faintly hear it obnoxiously buzzing at all times, but it only becomes visible once every four years.
Prohibition Party's new mascot: almost any of the Libertarian party candidates this year. With enemies like those, who needs friends?
Caitlin Hall is a biochemistry and philosophy sophomore. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Goodbye Demo-donkey, hello crying Baby Terry
As fitting as the jackass is for the Democratic Party, it's time to relieve the poor pack animal from it servitude and let it run free through the old-growth pasture of time.
Filling the Demo-donkey's four very large shoes is a daunting task. The new mascot must thoroughly and memorably illustrate the basic traits of our friends across the aisle.
A crying baby fits nicely. Imagine a slightly obese baby with pink diaper filled almost beyond capacity with a bulbous, stench-emanating mass. In one hand, the snot-nosed little brat would hold a big fat joint ÷ for his glaucoma, of course. Under his other arm, he'd have a Hustler book marked by a copy of the First Amendment torn from the Constitution.
While standing in front of the Social Security lockbox, the little one-toothed hellion would be stomping on the flag to put out the flames. Really, it's a half-hearted attempt aimed at appearing to respect the flag.
The crying baby would definitely do justice to the Democrats' platform. Baby Terry is the kind of mascot that truth-in-labeling laws had always envisioned, and that would give the Demo-donkey a needed retirement.
Jason Baran is public administration & policy grad student. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Lousy partisan bags of pestilence, get the Raid!
My first thought was that they'd be best represented as the same animal, Janus-like ÷ except instead of two faces, the animal would be two red-assed baboons, joined at the neck. In this way, it would possess no brain, the bodies would constantly be pushing against each other, it would have two identically horrid red baboon asses leading each body and would accomplish nothing productive (though non-productivity is almost always a good thing).
But then, I realized something vital: While the red-assed, double-bodied baboon animal is quite representative of the respective candidates presented, it neglects the parasitic aspect of the two parties.
I tossed around the idea of vultures, but as the parties create more rancid carrion than they dispose of, the idea was immediately shelved.
Then it hit me: the mosquito. Both parties could be represented by these little flying bags of filth and pestilence, whose sole purposes are to spread plague and benefit the world only by feeding equally repulsive "elites" such as those hideous wrinkled-looking bats. The parties could alternate gender with the shifting control of Congress, the female feeding off the people as the male fertilizes the population for the next cycle, when they switch. Ah, if only I could bring a can of partisan spray to the polls.
Tylor Brand is a philosophy sophomore. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
GOP gets what it deserves: cow poop
A picture of cow manure. Because that is what the GOP is ÷ smelly, disgusting manure, with the potential to do good; but really, we should stay away from it.
Case in point, airline security. Did you know that on the list of prohibited items the FAA released after the WTC attacks, butane lighters and matches were not there? The same item Richard Reid used to almost kill 200 passengers with a bomb in his shoe is still allowed on airplanes.
Why, you ask? Well, the original list that the FAA released included the obvious safety hazard, but when it was sent to the White House, matches were removed. Because when the tobacco industry heard of it, they lobbied to Georgie that their consumers sometimes get stressed out after a flight and need to light up right after their trip.
So, if matches were banned, it might make it hard for the smokers to smoke right away and the tobacco company might lose a few bucks. This makes me wonder, is the Republican leading our country really concerned about national security or is this another example of screwed up personal agendas?
So forgive me if my piece isn't funny like my fellow columnists', but the actions of our current president require me to label the Republican Party for what it essentially is made of ÷ poop.
Mariam Durrani is a systems engineering senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
