Illustration by Holly Randall

This week, students grudgingly filed back into classrooms and dorms after experiencing a week of academic bliss: spring break. Since the unofficial holiday is the undisputed favorite of college students across the country, we couldn't think of anything to ask our columnists but: "So, what did you do over spring break?"

Sabrina Noble Columnist

I ate a giant redwood!

Just kidding; Sequoia National Park says you're not even allowed to touch the redwoods because their root structures can't handle people treading over them, despite their huge size. That didn't stop me from getting several photographs of me gnawing on redwood bark and digging up a nest of baby rabbits nestled between the roots. I put them back, though, because the ranger told us we weren't going anywhere until I did.

"And the cub, too, please," he pressed, giving me the eye.

"What cub?" I coughed a few times to cover up its squeaking.

The ranger folded his arms and sighed heavily. "The one you stuffed under your jacket. I watched you do it."

"Oh." I shifted uneasily. "But I came in with him."

Ultimately, I had to put that cub back. It was OK, though. There were plenty of others.

Everywhere I looked, there were signs warning visitors to "Be Bear Aware." That meant locking your car doors so they wouldn't get in and steal your stereo or caribou, as well as refraining from inviting them into your hotel room. Strangely enough, bears are allowed to eat right out of your hands as long as you don't tell anyone with a rifle, though they prefer to eat out of your pockets. The whole experience made me feel like singing Pocahontas' "Just Around the Riverbend." So I did. Several times.

Go there the next chance you get. But remember what I learned the hard way: The rangers will confiscate all bear saddles at the gate, so you might as well leave them at home unless you've got the cash to blow on bribes.

Sabrina Noble is a senior majoring in English and creative writing. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu .

Susan Bonicillo Columnist

Imagine a Yankee-free world

There are a lot of things that I hate - for instance, tuition costs, spiders, colon cancer and people who use the word "like" more than 50 times in any given minute of talking. However, the New York Yankees beats them all.

Granted, they don't lack talent. Then again, if I spent the equivalent of the gross domestic product of Sri Lanka on salaries, I too would have a few championship rings on my fingers. It's a bought team with unlimited spending that ruins the competitive spirit in baseball, and for this it must be stopped.

So, after fooling my friends into thinking that I was going to stay in Tucson to do schoolwork (like I'd actually do that), I embarked on a mission to Legends Field, home of the enemy's spring training.

The intense psychological warfare of what I call "Operation Bronx Zoo Busting" involved replacing their "nutritional supplements" with remnants of crushed-up PEZ. Let's see how well they fill out their pinstripes come opening day.

More torment came in the form of bribing locker room managers to replace all of the players' protective cups with gradually larger sizes each day. Wait for a few weeks, and hopefully feelings of inadequacy will reach critical mass.

Finally, every time Derek Jeter was at bat, I rigged the loudspeakers to play "Dreamlover." Hopefully, the sound of Mariah Carey's dog-whistle shriek will be enough to kill anyone's morale.

Susan Bonicillo is a journalism sophomore who has long renounced her childhood dream of marrying Alex Rodriguez. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu .

Tim Belshe Columnist

'Just take some Advil and get in the car'

About a month ago, I had great plans for spring break. I was going to go on a road trip through the most beautiful place in the world: Arizona. Specifically, we were going to go to the Mogollon Rim for a few days, spend a night in Oak Creek Canyon and then it was off to Las Vegas. It was going to be a great week spent in the company of my closest friends.

Then tragedy struck. One friend went out and injured her knee, leaving her immobile for several weeks. Between that and several other issues, the trip was called off, and I was relegated to finding something interesting to do for the week.

Somehow, that same friend decided she was still well enough to go on a trip to California, and spent days being pushed around an amusement park. Injured knee, my ass ...

I ended up going to Nashville, Tenn., for a few days. While I was there, I went exploring in my rental car and came across Antioch, Tenn. Have you ever been to Antioch? I didn't think so. As far as I could tell, you aren't missing much. It's a little "suburb" - if you can call it that - of Nashville, which itself doesn't seem big enough to have suburbs. Sadly, that's probably the most interesting thing I did all week.

Tim Belshe is a systems engineering junior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu .

Sara Warzecka Columnist

Kmart clothes for life

Before planning my spring break, I felt it best to consult my astrologer. Miss Cleo told me that soon my deepest desire would come true. I went online to check. It was true. There was a celebrity cruise with Kathy Lee Gifford leaving Los Angeles in three days. As founder of the Junior Size Kathy Lee Fan Club when I was 14, I was kicked out by my own members for being "too obsessed and like a stalker."

In my search, I found another enticing bit. It was a hot line with the title: "Talk to a real worker. Stop Kathy Lee's sweatshops." How wonderful that someone was finally trying to dispel those nasty rumors. For only $15 a minute, I spoke to a young Malaysian girl who worked in a factory. She reassured me that the factories were actually more like hard labor maximum-security prisons, which makes me feel much better.

I arrived at the cruise site two days early. I carefully planned how best to impress. I would be refined and speak eloquently. She would love me immediately.

Upon boarding the ship, I saw her walking along, greeting guests with bodyguards all around. But they couldn't stop me. I ran toward her screaming, "Kathy Lee!" They stopped me. I kicked and screamed, "Kathy Lee! Noooooo! Kathy Leeeeee!" Security promptly dragged me off the boat.

My one "hello" has to be enough because I'm no longer allowed within 200 feet of my idol. If only I'd never known. Damn you, Miss Cleo! Damn you!

Sara Warzecka is a biochemistry and journalism freshman. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu .

Jason Poreda Columnist

The big trip with a big fish

First up on my spring break, which was a normal vacation: a visit to my girlfriend's parents for the very first time. All the fear that everyone has when they make that journey went away when we arrived. I soon found myself in a wonderland of lasagna. Wherever you looked, there was wonderful food to be had, and I didn't want to leave.

After my visit to the fabled land of Italian food came to an end, my trip continued as we traveled to another world: California. As I enjoyed the wonders of the beach and swimming in the great Pacific, my story took a twist - a horrible stingray the size of a whale began to cause havoc on the happy beach. As I distracted the beast from a small group of children, I was snagged by some seaweed the ray put there as a trap for would-be heroes. As it quickly swam in my direction, stinger ready to attack, I freed myself, escaping just as the ray lunged forward to strike.

After our exploits, we attempted to leave the land of Arnold, but the highway came alive and ripped one of our tires apart. Stranded, we called on the power of the lord of the game shows, Bob Barker, to help us on our way. The price was wrong, he said, and didn't call us down, sending us magically home instead.

Jason Poreda had a great spring break and the entire account of his trip is true ... or is it? Find out at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu .

Brett Berry Columnist

One amazingly pathetic week

How could I choose the most exciting thing that happened during my spring break? I mean, there were so many exciting things I saw, amazing people I met and crazy things that I did that I couldn't begin to describe how great and amazing and memorable they all were ...

OK. Enough lies.

My spring break was nothing to brag about. In fact, it was quite pitiful. The entire week could essentially be described as one big extended weekend visit home with the parents - there was a whole lot of nothing done.

Other than sleeping in and sitting on my ass a lot, there's not much to say. My friends were all gone, and I couldn't afford to travel anywhere. It was too hot outside to do anything, but my pool was too cold to go swimming. It sucked.

Despite my unfortunately large amount of bored time, I refused to fill those hours with studying for my test that was cruelly scheduled for the first day back from break. I mean, yeah, I was bored and had plenty of time, but I'm not doing any damn schoolwork when it is my well-earned break!

Sadly, the most interesting thing I did was probably when I spent two days laying sod in my front yard. Seriously, it was that bad. Of course, I still didn't want it to end - no one wants classes to start. But at least now my friends are here to have fun with.

Brett Berry is a regional development sophomore who is trying to live vicariously through MTV's spring break programming. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.