Question:

Why is it that none of the hot water faucets in the union bathrooms work? They are there, but when I try to turn them on, there's no hot water.

David Johnson
molecular and cellular biology junior

Answer:

But at least the water is wet, right?

David Parker, associate director of operations for Facilities Management for the Student Union Memorial Center, says our lukewarm situation is in keeping with certain "design and specification" standards. University Facilities Design and Construction followed these standards in the construction of the Student Union Memorial Center, and the specific standard that applies to this question helps conserve energy. Translated: The lack of hot water in the bathrooms saves energy.

As for how much of the union's operational expenses goes into safeguarding national security, Parker would not comment. Maybe I should have asked. Still, I would contend ÷ purely within context ÷ that there are yet dirty pipes in the union in desperate need of cleaning.

But to answer the second part of your question, the sinks in the union were originally installed with motion-sensor faucets, and those came with "all kinds of operational problems," said Parker. In short, they sucked instead of poured, and were replaced with standard heads and knobs. Unfortunately, since there aren't any hot water hookups to these sinks, all the knob-handling in the world will yield only an ice-cold response.

When asked if there were any plans to implement a hot water system for the union's bathrooms, Parker replied, "No, there aren't any."

So, in closing, I suggest that we as a student body boycott the sinks completely. That's right ÷ everybody, stop washing your hands! If hygiene is something we have to sacrifice for the sake of warm, high-quality H20, then so be it! We will be heard, smelled, feared and avoided! Then we'll see who's in hot water!

If you've got a UA-related mystery or conspiracy that you'd like solved, contact the campus detective at catcalls@wildcat.arizona.edu.