Illustration By Arnie Bermudez

I'm sure that some of you out there have been loving the way our society has suddenly and swiftly cracked down on all that is morally questionable. After all, everyone should have the exact same morals, ethics and opinions as you, right?

You probably long for the good old days when seeing a woman's ankles in public was considered a shocking and scandalous display of flesh. You're sickened by the midriffs and cleavage you can see today while walking down the street. You believe that we need to go back to the days when people were out there measuring the distance from knee to skirt on all the young girls flaunting their bodies in public. How else can you make sure that those little hussies know just how darn indecent they really are?

Lucky for those of you who are nostalgic for the taboos of the 1950s, there is a lawmaker out there trying to bring back the fight against exposed skin.

In Louisiana, state Rep. Derrick Shepherd has proposed a bill that would punish anyone caught wearing low-rise pants.

Brett Berry Columnist

Shepherd said he was "tired of catching glimpses of boxer shorts and G-strings over the lowered beltlines of young adults" that can occur because of this new style of pants, so he decided to take action. Anyone caught wearing low-cut pants that expose skin or "intimate clothing" in Louisiana would be disciplined with a fine of up to $500, and also be subject to a possible six-month jail sentence.

That ought to teach those shameless teenagers! If taking away their money doesn't stop these kids from buying these harlot pants, then sending them to jail in them sure will! Just watch how long those youngsters would keep letting their asses hang out of their pants once they're in prison. Dropping the soap wouldn't be the only thing for them to worry about then.

Of course, this is another example of someone's ridiculous legislation. Instead of actually trying to address something that is adversely affecting the people of Louisiana, Shepherd seems to want to instill a statewide dress code. Why should the police be changed into fashion police? I thought that's what Carson and the rest of the "Queer Eye" guys were for.

I can only imagine what would happen if this bill were turned into law. The law enforcers of Louisiana might have their time and attention diverted from those silly little things like murder, theft and rape, but who cares? Making sure that thongs and butt cracks are kept out of sight is apparently just as important as preventing actual crimes.

But think about it: This could be like a low-rise prohibition. The Louisiana police could get an anonymous tip about a shipment of Levi's being smuggled in from Mexico. Given this valuable information, they could then organize a sting at the local low-rise speakeasy: the Gap.

The owner of the speakeasy could let people in only if they knew the password: midriff. They could even have a little red button to push for when the cops come. Once pushed, the racks of low-rise jeans would flip around into the wall, and a new rack of regular 501 jeans would rotate out to take their place.

Maybe that's going a little too far, but what about the discrimination that such a law would create? Passing this bill would create a new form of profiling for our society to deal with. No, I'm not talking about racial profiling or even age profiling. I'm talking about the unfair profiling of the plumbers of America.

These poor, hardworking people would have to face an incredible amount of discrimination from our society. Every time they'd bend down to fix someone's pipe or clogged toilet, they'd be thinking to themselves, "Is today going to be the day that my poorly-fitting pants are going to get me sent to jail?"

Seriously, though, isn't there anything in the state of Louisiana that could possibly be something to pursue that is more important to protecting its citizens than outlawing a style of pants?

After all, a little glimpse of butt crack never really hurt anyone. Let the police focus on the real crimes in Louisiana. And if seeing such a small amount of skin is such a crime, then I can only imagine what would happen if Shepherd ever finds out what actually goes on in his state during Mardi Gras. He'd be in for a little bit of a surprise.

Brett Berry is a regional development sophomore who thinks low-rise jeans fight fascism with fashion. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.