Shane Dale

Our university is hurting. Funding is again being slashed to the tune of eight figures. Tuition is in danger of rising sharply. And our professors are leaving left and right.

Fortunately, it's our professorial staff that can help turn our budget crunch around. The answer? Commercials in class.

Here's the deal: Professors cut a 30- or 60-second ad for a corporate or local sponsor into their lectures. In turn, the sponsors help fund the UA out of its deficit. It's a match that needs to happen ÷ the sooner the better.

Think about it: How many national corporations and locally-owned mom and pop businesses would be thrilled to have their products endorsed during classes? Companies who already sponsor the UA, such as Nike and Pepsi, would gladly dish out more dough if professors personally plugged them. Smaller, local businesses like Cafe Paraiso and U-Mart would also likely pay a few bucks for similar treatment.

In implementing this new policy, professors should take their cues from radio broadcasting legend Paul Harvey, the master of the self-ad. During his daily 45-minute news report, Harvey slyly incorporates commercials into his broadcast in such a way that it's nearly impossible to tell that he's actually reading a product endorsement until he mentions the brand by name.

This is what our professors need to do in order to maintain a semblance of respectability: Learn the art of subtlety. Otherwise, everyone ÷ professors, students and sponsors ÷ lose out.

While the nuances can be worked out later, here are a few samples of what classroom commercials might sound like with respect to various departments:

Mathematics: " · So, added together, this equation doesn't work. And you know something else that doesn't add up, ladies and gentlemen? High-cost auto insurance. At Progressive, insurance policies are priced so low ÷ why, it practically makes for a null set. So subtract some costs from your monthly budget, and visit progressive.com for your free quote today!"

Political Science: " · And under President Carter, inflation went through the roof. But be sure not to confuse Jimmy Carter with Jimmy Click and the Jim Click Automotive Team, where the only thing going through the roof are the savings on their fine selection of used cars. Take home a '98 Ford Taurus today with no money down and only $149 a month. Let's see the peanut farmer compete with deals like that! So, pay a visit to the good folks at Jim Click, and tell 'em Professor (Name) sent you!"

Physics: " · And this is where the bio-molecular structure breaks down. Of course, if you have a breakdown and need a new muffler, you're gonna want great quality at a great value. Well, folks, look no further than Meineke, where you'll find a lot more than just mufflers ÷ all at an unbelievable price. Remember, at Meineke, you're not gonna pay a lot, but you'll get a lot!"

Philosophy: " · Could it be that our lives are merely an illusion? That everything we can see, touch and hear is a hundred percent fake? Well I'll tell you what, people: We shouldn't ever settle for anything less than pure authenticity. That's the philosophy at Jack in the Box, where the milkshakes are made from 100 percent real ice cream. So say good-bye to fake shake, and get your hands on a milkshake that's definitely not an illusion. Visit Jack in the Box today ÷ and get a free antenna ball with any purchase!"

Economics: " · And the value of the U.S. dollar was on the decline in the early Î90s. But frankly folks, what can you get for a dollar these days?" (Now's a good stopping point.)

Done the right way, the students won't know what hit 'em. Most of them will be blindly taking notes as usual without really listening to the lecture. They'll scribble down, "Test next Friday · Aristotle · illusion · fake shake · Descartes·" It'll be just another part of the lecture, and it'll seep into their brains ÷ hell, it could even show up on the tests in some capacity.

And when students walk out of the day's lecture, they'll be asking themselves and each other, "Dude, did our professor just sell out?" Then they'll think, "Pffft, no ÷ that's stupid. That guy's always complaining about corporate America. There's no way he'd do something like that."

Then they'd get a craving ÷ for a milkshake made with 100 percent real ice cream.