Provocative Halloween costumes can be fun, but do they sometimes go too far?

Everyday should be Halloween

Nate Buchik

What's wrong with freaking out the squares and dressing a bit risquŽ on Halloween?

Absolutely nothing.

Jessica Suarez wants you to think it's tacky and despicable, but we all know better than that.

Dressing slutty is hot and awesome!

For example, there's nothing better than when a non-prostituting college girl dresses up as a prostitute because most costumed prostitutes are hotter than real prostitutes and have less genital warts.

But girls can look great on Halloween even when they aren't prostitutes.

If you want to make sure you are looking great, just look on the packaging of your costume. Does it specifically state that it is "sexy?" If it doesn't, throw it out. It should say "Sexy Nurse," "Sexy Cat" or "Sexy George Bush."

If you have to make a costume, I'll let you in on a little secret: The store-bought costumes consist of a miniskirt and cleavage. See? It's easy. And everything is better if it's sexy. Women, men, guitars, clothes, sandwiches ...

In fact, here are some suggestions to make your costumes even sexier! OMG!

Nipple tassels. They can make any costume sluttier and they spin. Like, if you were going to be a pirate, why not skip the shirt and wear nipple tassels, panties with a skull on them and an eye patch? Now that's a real pirate ... a real sexy pirate.

Thongs. The golden rule: Always wear a thong and always make sure it is exposed. Like, if you wanted to go as Marilyn Monroe, make sure that everyone can clearly make out your butt cheeks separated by a thin sheet of fabric when your white dress blows up.

No bra. If you are going as any historical character, you cannot wear a bra. I cannot stress this enough. No one wore bras until the late 1980s and, even then, they were used sparingly. So no bras for Joan of Arc, Pocahontas and Harriet Tubman costumes.

Naked celebrities. Celebrities are always getting caught naked, so take advantage of that. You could put track marks all over your body and say you are Courtney Love. Or you could wear a blond wig and say you are a pop recording artist trying to get a record deal.

And, if you think it's fun to dress up sexy on Halloween, why not continue this tradition the rest of the year? Feel free to skankify yourself every day! Don't let the oppressing conservatives tell you how to dress! Tear off your pants and shirts and let freedom ring!

Jessica Suarez wants you to believe that being sexy is a crime. But Jessica Suarez is a dumb Republican stiff who loves George Bush, bombing Iraq and beating children.

Be sure to keep covered

Jessica Suarez

Please, slutty girls, or nice girls looking to reveal their inner slut to everyone this Halloween, don't make me have to see your boobs. Or your thong. Or your other thing that starts with C and rhymes with "shooter." Please don't make me have to see your shooter on Halloween.

I am tired of girls using Halloween as an excuse to wear revealing outfits. Is this because you don't know what you're supposed to do on Halloween? If so, let me provide you with a short history lesson: Halloween started as the ancient Celtic festival of "Samhain," a festival in which the Celts dressed up as goblins to stop the souls of the departed from taking over their bodies. (Note: The Celts did not dress like sluts.)

Later, when the Romans conquered the Celts, they combined Samhain with their own festival, called "Feralia." (Note: The Romans did not dress like sluts.)

Finally, the Catholic Church took over the holiday, which falls before the "All Saints' Day" on the religious calendar. (Catholics, however, did not dress like sluts on that day.)

Do you notice a trend here? Nowhere in the history of Halloween does it say you are supposed to wear a tube top and a vinyl skirt. This is your own made-up tradition. Recognizing it as such, you should give it a name. Maybe you could call it "All Hungover's Eve," because the next day you'll probably go back to being a good girl and want to forget all about wearing a naughty nun costume and dancing with your shirt over your head at some frat party north of campus.

If you are going to dress up as a slut for Halloween, please at least base your costume on some of history's most famous sluts. Be Cleopatra. She was a slut, and also a fine ruler. Or how about Catherine the Great? She was really scary (always a bonus for Halloween) and a great (royal) slut. Or Bathsheba, from the Old Testament - also a big slut, for King David of all people. What a great way to impress your friends with your hermeneutics of the Bible, and your sluttiness.

Don't get me wrong. I love sluts. Sluts rock. All I'm saying is, you've got to be the right kind of slut. I say this as a friend. Look, one year I dressed up as Max Fisher from the movie "Rushmore," complete with khaki pants, blue blazer and tie. But once I discovered no one would get my costume (even people who loved "Rushmore"), I switched to a plaid miniskirt, hiked up my socks and attended a Halloween party as a Japanese schoolgirl-nymphet. So I know how strong the temptation is to cop out and be a plain ol' slut for Halloween. The only thing I am firm on is that you don't leave any body parts hanging out. That is completely unacceptable.

Listen tricks, here are the rules one more time if you're going to give all of us a treat this Halloween: 1. Don't dress like a slut. 2. If you ignore rule one, please at least be a historically accurate slut. 3. Drop any candy you receive into a glass of water. If it turns the water blue, don't eat it. 4. Don't let me see your shooter.

Nate Buchik would have you believe it's OK to dress like a slut for Halloween. But Buchik here is a Nazi war criminal. Are you going to believe the words of a war criminal? I didn't think so.