Illustration by Holly Randall
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Arizona Daily Wildcat
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
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The elections are over. We've cast our ballots but, for the most part, the choice of president was extremely limited in scope. Bush or Kerry was the question yesterday, but here we think that there could have been a multitude of other possible and worthy candidates. So, the question for this week is who would we pick if we could write-in anybody for president?
Pick the better Bush: Will Ferrell
Strategery.
Ever since the fateful "debate" between "Bush" and "Gore" on Saturday Night Live just prior to the 2000 election, one fact became plainly evident: Bush isn't even the best at being Bush.
After all, Bush himself is a caricature. He goes back and forth between being Curious George, George the Texas Good Ol' Boy, and George the Confused.
Ferrell, on the other hand, just goes with the drunken, grammatically incorrect frat boy Bush. Much more fun.
Oh, Bush tries to steal Ferrell's thunder. He calls his weekly meetings with his advisers "strategery sessions." And at the end of the third debate this year he tried to make a joke, saying that "my wife speaks English better than I do." But we all know Ferrell would have come up with something much more clever.
But besides doing a good Bush, Ferrell can do other presidents. Witness his Clintonian nude scene in Old School.
But seriously, presidential candidates nowadays try so hard to be cool and funny. If there's one benefit of having this election over, it's not having to see Kerry ride onto Leno on a motorcycle and make jokes.
If that's what appeals to us, we might as well pick someone who's good at it.
Honorable mention: Warren Buffett, Charles Barkley, Robin Williams, the Olsen twins
Ryan Johnson is an international studies and economics junior He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Oprah rules the world!
I can't think of any better presidential candidate than Oprah Winfrey. Her efforts as an entrepreneur make her comparable to Superman, er... Superwoman!
Her persona fills in the gaping holes of so many qualities that people believe the presidents have lacked. Most importantly, she's a woman, she's a minority, and she's overweight!
She may not be a lawyer or a politician, but she has more qualifications than a lot of them.
There aren't any wandering questions about her work effort or the legitimacy of her success. Mommy and daddy didn't give her a billion dollars, she didn't marry into her social status and she never weaseled out of civic duty.
Oprah began her broadcasting career in high school and she's been working her way up since then. And gosh, her achievements more than prove her amazing personality. She was nominated for an Academy Award and Golden Globe for her first movie! In '93, Bill Clinton signed the "Oprah Bill," which she initiated herself!
Most importantly, Oprah has the ability to reach millions of people on a personal level. Because of our mothers, we've all grown up on Oprah's heartfelt words and gripping topics on her show. Her non-profit organization donates millions of dollars to charities and scholarships.
For everyone who hates to admit they vote primarily for moral reasons, what's not to love about Oprah?
A giving person like Oprah wouldn't be such a bad thing. Who doesn't like a billionaire who gives their money back to the people?
Lauren Peckler is a sophomore majoring in English and sociology. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Will Smith deserved a shot
He can sing catchy songs. He has saved the world from extraterrestrial beings and murderous robots. He's also a wholesome family man. That's right, he's the amazing Will Smith and he should have been on the 2004 United States presidential candidate ballot.
Smith is a better candidate than either George W. Bush or John Kerry for the fact that those two kids are too enthralled in the government world and are overly concerned with being "politically correct." Every word they say is played to the tune of their constituents, whereas Will Smith knows how to keep it old school.
Smith grew up on the rough streets of Philadelphia, became a prince, then a musician, a soldier, a private, a U.S. agent, a boxer and a Wild West cowboy. Smith has tackled almost every career option in the world, except for U.S. president.
Smith is a life virtuoso and he can overcome any obstacle to achieve success. He should have been given the chance to lead this country in a time of war and uncertainty. He knows what it takes to beat the bad and look cool while doing it.
Smith is the ultimate King Kong of being awesome and the United States is need of awesomeness right now. Bush is not awesome, Kerry is not awesome, but Will Smith is definitely awesome. Smith destroyed human-killing aliens and saved the United States from demolition in 1996, for goodness sakes. If that kind of character it not worthy of being president, then I sure as hell don't know what is. Will Smith is a great role model for American citizens and his list of credentials should have definitely qualified him for being listed on the 2004 presidential candidate ballot.
Moe Naqvi is a physiological sciences freshman. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Honesty from a "Fake News" man
After so many months of ridiculous charges and unmerited attacks from both sides of this election, the American voters were left wondering who they could trust more to be president. Judging from the discourse of the pundits, we need someone who is honest and tough, but at the same time he must be likeable. He needs to be resolute in his beliefs, but he also needs to be someone who is not tied to party lines.
So who fits this list of criteria?
Jon Stewart.
That's right. Stewart is the best man for the job. Honestly, who is more honest with the American public than he? There is a reason why many view his "fake news" show with more credibility than they do the "real news." He is willing to tell it like it is, regardless of partisan politics. Both sides are equally subject to his ridicule-after all, neither party holds a monopoly on idiocy.
Now, I'm sure some of you don't think that Stewart would be resolute enough in his beliefs or tough enough to fight for America. To you, I say: go watch the tape of him on "Crossfire." Anyone who has the balls to go on a national political TV show, criticize the show's tendency for promoting dishonest partisan rhetoric and then call one of the hosts a "dick" directly to his face proves to me that they are willing to go to any length to speak the truth. I'd like to see that kind of honesty from our president.
Brett Berry is a regional development senior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
President Rummy would be yummy
For those who know me well, you will not be surprised when I name the man who I would love to see as the President of the United States.
This man is intelligent, charismatic, picturesque and articulate. But most of all, he is utterly gorgeous.
And who is this man?
Why, he is Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
You can stop retching now.
Really, you can. It's not that gross of an idea or far-fetched. After all, he has some great qualifications.
Politically, he is well-qualified. He has served as Secretary of Defense under two administrations and as Congressman for eight years.
And he would be tough on the emerging threat of terrorism. Not only did he serve in the Navy as an aviator, but he also served in an influential commission whose purpose was to determine the extent of missile threats directed at the United States.
But that's not all.
As a leader, the man is brilliant. He is charismatic. Have you seen the way he handles the press?
His words roll over your ears rhythmically; his speeches have been put to rhyme and song.
And even when things go wrong, he knows how to take responsibility for it. Consider the events with Abu Ghraib: he offered up his resignation if he had done anything wrong. That takes courage. That takes integrity.
And that's what makes Rumsfeld perfect.
Did I mention that he is also magnificently handsome?
Laura Keslar is a pre-pharmacy junior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
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Susan Bonicillo
opinions editor
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Steinbrenner's "buy it all" strategy the best for the United States
The Boston Red Sox may have won the World Series this year, but the New York Yankees are the best team in all of baseball history, period. Consider the fact that not making it to the World Series is a complete failure when some teams, like my Seattle Mariners, have yet to even make it to the Fall Classic.
Don't get me wrong: I'd rather be covered in raspberry jelly and slowly eaten by a herd of fire ants than root for the Yankees, but I have to admit that their organization is an impressive one and their success is largely due to the efforts of owner George Steinbrenner, and that is why I would have written him in as my presidential candidate.
As you can see from his successes with the Yankees in continuing the reign as the finest dynasty in baseball, he's more than qualified for the job. For instance, a good majority of the nation either loves or hates him, a very presidential attribute if I do say so myself.
He presides over an organization that is referred by some as the "evil empire," which isn't too far of a leap from what the United States is referred to.
And he's extremely wealthy, another requirement that one must fill to be the president.
Additionally, he's good at his job (something we don't normally see in elected officials) and he doesn't care whether or not his decisions bode well with the public. We need more leaders who don't follow the popular opinion.
Furthermore, Steinbrenner's strategy of buying out the best players in baseball has proven extremely effective (though this year doesn't exactly speak well of that plan). This method of handling players can easily be translated in domestic and foreign policy.
For instance, South Korea has a better education system – let's buy 'em.
Industry in Japan is far more advanced than our own? We'll lay down a few greenbacks.
Canada's health care system is top notch? Just put it on our tab.
Just remember, Steinbrenner for president in 2008.
Susan Bonicillo is a junior majoring in English. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
