Illustration by Cody Angell

You'll never believe me, but I'll tell you anyway. A few days ago I saw Osama bin Laden conspiring with several members of al-Qaeda at Arby's. I was suspicious of them right away when we were standing in line and they all ordered salad instead of beef. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was so shocked and concerned about notifying the authorities that I almost forgot to order "Horsey" sauce with my beef burger.

With grease dripping from my fingers I sat down and tried to remember the number for 911, all the while avoiding staring at the al-Qaeda conspirators. Upon reaching the emergency service, I could barely contain my fear and excitement.

"Yeah, I'm at Arby's and I think I'm sitting next to Osama bin Laden!" I nearly shouted.

"Yeah, you and everybody else," the lady said and hung up.

Jason Winsky

Glancing back over at the group, I realized that, although bearing a remarkable resemblance to Osama bin Laden, it was just my friend Tom who I hadn't seen in awhile.

I said to myself, the next time I see Osama bin Laden, I'll call Operation TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System) and get more satisfaction. Operation TIPS is a new government program that operates on one simple, basic premise: that everyone you know and love is trying to kill you and steal your horse. The program is designed to give citizens the power to report suspicious people, and defines suspicious people as: everyone.

Besides turning neighbor against neighbor, Operation TIPS seeks to enlist postal workers, truck drivers, ship captains, and utility workers as domestic spies. That means that the guy who comes to read your meter might also stare at you for a while through the window (hopefully when you're not naked), and the people who deliver your mail might stop off to read it (hopefully not while they're naked).

In preparation for this, the responsible citizen would do nothing. The obnoxious, anti-government intrusion citizen might instead figure out when their meter reader comes and attempt to do the most shocking things possible when he/she arrives (such as, let's say, putting on an Osama bin Laden mask and staring right at them). You could also surprise your spying postman by mailing yourself obscene letters about their mother. Of course, doing this might lead to a knock on your door an hour later from your friendly neighborhood CIA agent who might kill you and steal your horse.

A big source of these spies here in Tucson would definitely be the ship captains. No, really. There are plenty of them ÷ retired and drunk ÷ to be found, and they would be the perfect government spies. Besides, they're always up for a good Peeping Tom outing (although they're not usually looking for terrorism). Of course, you would have to deal with their peg legs and such.

As for the UA, we, as responsible citizens, should actively spy on all of our Communist/Socialist professors, especially if they give us low grades. As patriotic members of TIPS, how could we possibly get low grades in government/political science classes? These teachers are obviously part of some terrorist plot. Maybe, just maybe, our entire university faculty is part of some al-Qaeda style conspiracy to corrupt our weak minds.

Also, as part of Operation TIPS, we should report anyone and everyone on campus that we're just not comfortable with, especially those that don't look/sound/act like we do. That way, minority students, especially those of Middle Eastern descent, will feel even more uncomfortable than they already do.

The one problem with Operation TIPS is that there are literally millions of people in this country who in some way work for our government, be it federal, state or local. What if Operation TIPS were to turn on some of their own? There would probably be some kind of Spy vs. Spy battle royale.

And for all of those interested in spying for our government, here are some suspicious people and activities to look out for: people who talk on cell phones; the homeless; protestors; those who stay inside too much; those who go out too much; those who don't have American flags in front of their houses; non-Christians; and especially, above all, those who write columns for communist liberal papers like the Wildcat · oh wait. Hang on. There's a knock at my door.