Jason Baran

Donate your thousands to excellence - and for Pez

Well, it looks like the UA will have an extra grand per student sitting around collecting dust. Rather than having it on the shelf, here are a few suggestions about where this precious, middle-class-family's-back-breaking windfall should be spent.

Setting aside personal monkey butlers due to time constraints on training, the first order of business should be to issue every incoming freshman a copy of the fight song, a picture of Dr. Likins, a copy of "Economics for Dummies" and a bar of soap.

The remaining $950 per student should be applied to a general fund for dispersal to the many needy projects around campus. First, the campus is tragically lacking artwork. The Mall needs more polka-dotted, solar-powered toothpick sculptures. No self-respecting campus would be without at least seven or eight of these in the form of an abstract Stonehenge.

Red and blue Pez in the matching Wildcat dispenser is surely a must have for any aspiring Phi Beta Kappa. These must come from the general fund, as well. They can be purchased for community spirit building purposes. Alternatively, these could be issued by campus health as generic antibiotics.

The administration also might consider installing Astroturf on the Mall. It has good drainage, is evergreen and really brings out the polka dots in the scenery. The caption in the prospectus will read something like this: "Between classes, relax in the shade of a massive speckled, celestial calendar on the cool green plastic." Enrollment will soar.

On a more serious note, it's time to renovate and preserve Old Main. First thing, tear it down. And burn the ruins. It worked for the union, it will work for Old Main. The once cozy building , steeped in tradition, can be replaced by an ergonomically-challenged, cold, unfriendly memorial to the future. Out with Old Main, in with Integrated Services Millennial Mega-Learning Superplex Main, complete with a bank and a full-service salon.

Yes, these are the things that will direct the UA to excellence. Spare no expense. If projects run over budget, fire professors and anyone else with a pulse. Sell the bust of Button Salmon, or the USS Arizona's bell. These aren't dollars wasted; they are dollars invested in a bull market.

Daniel Cucher

Let's divert funds to build a giant metaphor on the Mall

The new funds should go towards the construction of a massive ant farm: two thin pieces of glass separated by sand and dirt and lots of ants.

It will stand roughly seven stories tall, stretch across the width of the Mall, and be under an inch thick (because we want to see the ants). Students will gather on the lawn to watch as the ants build for themselves an impressive little society, with little tunnels that connect to other little tunnels, and some rooms for food storage, queen ants and other royalty.

The ants' hard work and commitment to their colony will serve as an inspiration for us to go out there (wherever we may be going) and work to build ourselves a bigger, better anthill.

Once the ant colony on the Mall is well established, we'll slide a divider right down the middle to separate one half of the colony from the other. Then we'll give the ants some time to start hating the ants on the other side of the divider. (This will not take very long becaause ants are discriminating and hateful creatures) We'll also fuel the fire by limiting the food supply and spreading propaganda to one of the colonies that the other colony of ants is building nukes.

To test the tension in our pressure cooker of an ant farm, we'll separate out a few ants from the two colonies, and put them in a small ring with a sugar cube. Based on how quickly they kill each other, and with what biological weaponry, we will know when it is time to lift the divider.

Finally, to commemorate the reunification of North and South ants, we will make a great feast on the Mall and invite all of Tucson. When every one has eaten, President Likins will push a button causing a giant crane to lift the divider out of the ant farm.

The ants will ignore us and go about their business. Then, someone will tap on the glass and the colonies will erupt in chaos. The ants will kill each other and destroy their little rooms and tunnels. And just at the breaking point ÷ when one of the colonies is actually threatening to use their nukes ÷ we will send a great wrecking ball into the glass, and demolish the ant farm.

All the ants will fall safely out of their two dimensional world onto the ground to disperse, roam free, make new tunnels, rooms and colonies.

During this demonstration, some people may get ants on them.