Illustration by Arnie Bermudez

Later today, while most of us will be heading home from a long day of classes or from work, someone out there will find out whether or not they have won the opportunity to purchase religious enlightenment at the click of a mouse. That's right, a little after 5 p.m. today, someone will be announced as the winner of an eBay auction that is selling off what the owner describes as "a miracle" - something that has brought them countless "blessings" since the item for sale has been in their possession.

What you may be wondering is what is this religious relic that is drawing so much interest from potential buyers that the bidding has been driven up to more than $15,000?

It is a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich. Thousands of people are convinced that this sandwich undeniably contains the visage of the Virgin Mary cooked into the greasy texture of one of the wedges of bread.

According to sandwich lore, the owner, Diana Duyser, made this sandwich some 10 years ago. After a single bite, she saw the Virgin Mary's face staring back at her. In the 10 years since, Duyser has not preserved the sandwich in any way, but, miraculously, there is no bacterial or mold growth on it. All the while, Duyser says she has "won $70,000 (total) on different occasions at the casino near (her) house."

Brett Berry Columnist

Wow! If that's true, then this must really be a miracle!

Now, I don't know what these people are talking about. They're crazy; it's clear to any right-minded person who looks at this sandwich that the face of the Virgin Mary has not been miraculously imprinted on this lunchtime treat.

I mean, come on, it's obvious that this face that appears on the bread is the face of Audrey Hepburn - not the Virgin Mary. Who are these crazy people? Who's stupid enough to confuse the Virgin Mary with Audrey Hepburn when purchasing their sandwich-portraits?

Whoever wins this thing is going to end up paying more than $15,000 for a sandwich! That's such a ridiculous amount of money to spend on this stale sandwich. Everybody knows that a Hepburn sandwich is worth only about a grand - $1,500, tops.

OK, so maybe I'm having a little fun at the expense of the idiots who believe in the sanctity of this sandwich, but, honestly, this is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Apparently, in this post-"Passion" era of looking for religious meaning wherever it can be found, it seems as though an old sandwich with a face on it can be considered a priceless and miraculous Christian artifact by thousands of idiots across the country.

What does it say about the current religious movement that has swept the country when people turn to their lunch for divine messages? An individual's search for religion has regressed from going to church and studying the Bible to watching a Mel Gibson movie and looking for messages in your popcorn. It's pathetic.

But I guess it's true what they say: A sucker really is born every second. The fact that someone is going to spend their life savings on this piece of crap is beyond me. The only blessing that this sandwich has brought to its owner is the miracle that there are plenty of stupid people willing to give her thousands of dollars for an old sandwich if they think that it gives them a better understanding of God.

But this really makes me think: Maybe I should start paying attention to my food a little more. I mean, if there are so many morons out there willing to pay money for this sandwich, just think what else they might want to buy.

I should just drop out of school and become a purveyor of edible religious relics. There's obviously plenty of money in this, so I'm sure I could make a good living on selling this stuff. I only wish I started saving these miraculous meals earlier.

Over the last few years I have been accumulating pieces of meals that I believe were miraculous messages from God. For instance, last September, I swear that I made some mashed potatoes that formed a perfect recreation of the Tower of Babel. Just last week I was at Bison Witches when I was shocked to find that my soup contained something that looked just like the Holy Prepuce floating in it! I was so excited I could hardly contain myself.

For those of you who want to share in these miracles of God, I will be reluctantly willing to impart these blessings onto you for a tidy sum of money - not for my own wealth, but so that I may continue my quest for the Holy Grail of edible artifacts.

Brett Berry swears that his Thanksgiving turkey looks just like Moses parting the Red Sea. To inquire about its purchase, he can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.